Life at Home

So Fast

2011-06-28T15:39:00.005-06:00

It seems like yesterday, James was just learning to walk

and today he is riding away from me.

Thankfully, there is another.

Still Here

2011-06-27T00:13:00.003-06:00

I have meant to blog long before now to write about our new house, the amazing playground that is right behind out house (its like an extension of the backyard), and the neighborhood that is crawling with kids. Unfortunately, I have been busy trying to keep up with a maintaining a large house, buying furniture for a much bigger house, tracking down my kids at the playground or some one's house that I have had very little time to string words together into coherent thoughts. So here's a picture of my Happy Boy. I can't believe he is 9 months already.

Photo Shoot

2011-03-10T08:32:00.009-07:00

James loves to take pictures. Whenever I bring out my camera, he always request to have his turn behind the lens. After uploading the photos to the computer I can always tell which pictures were taken by James.

There are random pictures of nothing:

Pictures that artistically arrange the subjects in the frame:

The biggest hint that James took the photo is that I am actually in a picture.

Yesterday, James wanted to experiment with using the tripod. He spent about 15 minutes setting up the tripod, then he took several test photos,

Next, he wanted to shoot several photos with a subject and since I was the only other person awake....

Then we decided to use the timer.

After making some adjustments with the tripod, we got some good pictures of me and my little man.

James decided to try out several different poses and facial expressions

It was good hour's worth of entertainment for the both of us.

Finding Balance

2011-02-22T22:53:00.002-07:00

Before I married and had children, I was able to maintain balance in my life. When things started to become unbalanced I, and I alone, needed to make adjustments to return to a more balanced life. Now when things start to get unbalanced, I and four other people (with their own wants/needs) are part of that adjustment process to return to balance, which means my life feels unbalanced all the time. It is a constant juggling act to find balance among interacting with the children (collectively and individually), spending time with my husband (or just talk with him on the phone as is the case currently), and finding time for myself in addition to all the other pulls on my time: cleaning house, cooking food, running errands, preparing to move, maintaining relationships with friends and family and getting adequate sleep. I postpone cleaning the house during the day to play with the kids, and clean house at night when I should be spending time with Brigham or end up sacrificing that all important “me” time.

Recently, I discovered that doing the opposite of what I think will return balance is actually the most effective way to rebalance. Let me illustrate: most morning I awake with upper and lower back aches from a combination of nursing a big baby, lifting heavy children and a mattress in desperate need of replacing. Because of this, I spend several minutes each morning trying to ease the aches. I performed upper back stretches and lower back stretches, I tried back strengthening exercises, and different sleep positions, all to no avail; the aches remained and I felt stiff and uncomfortable moving. One morning I stretched my chest; my upper back ache disappeared. Last night I practiced a yoga exercise sequence that focused on opening the hips. This morning I awoke with my lower back feeling supple and ache free. My back was not out balance. It was showing the strain of compensating for the other parts of the body that were off-kilter. Today I cleaned both bathrooms with Anna chattering away at me and happily wiping down any surface I told her to with her rag. James scrubbed the trash can lid, and then told me he needed to wash the refrigator door. The balance: I can clean with the kids. Tomorrow, I’ll see how well 3 year old and 2 year old can cook.

A New Craving

2011-02-18T22:09:00.002-07:00

I crave this all day long, I think about it and how good it will taste, I cannot wait to put the kids to bed (so I don't have to share), I cut my phone conversation with Brigham short just so I can make the creamy chocolate peanut butter banana shake that I just cannot get enough off. I first had this shake at a friends house over a year ago but since she made it with ice cream (something I do not stock in my freezer and when I do buy it, I don't get vanilla), I never tried making it myself. Brigham also liked this shake and over Christmas he started experimenting to make it without ice cream, he used milk and ice. It tasted good but not as creamy as my friend's version.

When I organized my pantry about a week ago I realized I still had two cartoon of coconut milk left from when I went dairy-free because of Seth. I decided I might as well use them up instead of move them with us to California. I also had some frozen coconut milk ice cubes in the freezer (I freeze leftover coconut milk when a recipe does not call for a whole can). I replaced the milk and ice with coconut milk and frozen coconut milk cubes and after I adjusted the other ingredients to compensate for the strong coconut flavor, I had a shake that was just as creamy as the ice cream version and so good. It definitely is not healthy, but certainly satisfying and gives me something to look forward to after a long day alone with the kids.

Chocolate coconut banana peanut butter shake
(the shake taste best with frozen bananas)

6 frozen coconut milk ice cubes
enough coconut milk to cover ice cubes (I use the SO Delicious Coconut milk sold in cartons near the soy milk, the vanilla flavor has a less strong coconut flavor but I also like the orginal for when I want more coconut flavor)
1 frozen banana
1-2 tbsp of peanut butter (or more to taste)
1-2 tbsp of chocolate milk mix (or more to taste)
blend in blender until smooth adding more coconut milk if needed, taste and add more peanut butter or chocolate if needed, enjoy.

A walk down memory lane

2011-01-31T21:18:00.009-07:00

This past week I spent several hours in memories, searching through thousands of our photos from the last five years to select the ones I wanted to put on digital frame I bought Brigham for Christmas. It was so much fun to go back through pictures I have not looked at in years, and be reminded that, yes, I really have beautiful children.

Right before my eyes, I watch James evolve from this smiling charmer:

Into this mischievous smiler:

Anna went from cute

To gorgeous

And Seth went from adorable

To more adorable

Then there are the photos that I love. I look at them every day and smile at the memory of that day. I have many friends that are photograpers and I love to look at the photos they post on their blogs but I love the pictures of their own children the most. The pictures they take of other people, their cilents, are good but they lack something that is present in the pictures of their children. In an hour photo session, it is so hard to capture a person's personality, their special smiles and expressions especially if the photograper does not know that person very well. But with their own children, my photographer friends capture those smiles, those expressions that bring those personalities vividly to life. I may not know their children's special smiles or expressions, but I can sense something special in those photos. That is what I see in these photos that I love. They are not necessarialy the best photos I have taken but they capture my children's personalities.

The trio of Anna that hangs on my wall (and when she is really trying patience I stare at to remind myself that I love her and should act that way)

My silly, happy, mischievous James.

(disclaimer: I did not dress James in the above photo)

The pumpkin pictures I just love because James and I had so much fun that day out in the garden.

Then there are the photos that make me long to go back in time and hug the child they were that day.

And I am always taking new photos to fall in love with

And this one...this one still melts my heart.

And probably always will.

Anchors Away, my boys....

2010-12-31T13:12:00.001-07:00

We're in the Navy now.

Brigham commission in October to be an attorney in the Navy. He went to officer training in November and goes to JAG training in January and then we move to Lemoore, CA (the middle of nowhere, three hours away from many places).

Brigham in his dress blues and James in the classic enlisted uniform.

A Compliment

2010-12-28T23:57:00.002-07:00

Today was our 5th wedding anniversary. Sometimes I cannot believe it has been five years already and other times I cannot believe that it has only been five years. And Brigham, being Brigham, paid me a compliment that is still making me giggle.

We were sitting on the couch snuggling drinking a chocolate peanut butter banana milkshake when Brigham said, "I realized the other day that in the 5 years we have been married we have never run out toilet paper. You are amazing!"

"What?!" I burst out laughing. Amazing because of toilet paper?

"You do a great job taking care of the house, of me, of the kids. If I was in charge we would always run out toilet paper. But in five years we never have."

"Thank you." Still laughing at a compliment that only Brigham could give.

Thank Heaven...

2010-12-15T14:28:00.004-07:00

For Little Girls who don't need a special occasion to wear a pretty dress

For Little Boys with mischievous smiles

And Little Babies who love to snuggle.

A Hint

2010-12-15T14:24:00.003-07:00

I hope its not too subtle.

James's Prayer

2010-12-12T10:41:00.003-07:00

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for mommy and daddy and James and Curious George and Curious George mommy and Curious George Daddy and Jesus and mommy and daddy and James and Nana and Curious George and Seth.
Name Jesus Christ, Amen!

Dairy Free

2010-11-10T22:01:00.001-07:00

I have been (mostly) dairy-free for the last six weeks. I never realized how difficult it would be to not eat dairy. Sometimes when I pour a cup of milk for James or Anna I have an overwhelming urge to just guzzle it out of the carton. It is only the thought of being up with a colicky baby that helps me overcome the urge. But giving up dairy is so much more than not drinking milk; it is cheese, yogurt, pizza, butter, sour cream, ice cream, cream cheese, cream cheese frosting on carrot cake, most baked goods, and (gulp) chocolate. I know there some non-dairy chocolates but they can be hard to find and expensive, and as it turns out, chocolate also irritates dear Seth so I can't even eat the non-dairy variety. Having to avoid dairy has made me realize how much dairy I eat and how much I like it.

When I first stop eating dairy I though ice cream would be what I missed the most. It's not—I miss butter more. Butter is used in cookies, cakes, pies, and many other yummy things that I cannot eat. I know there are butter substitutes but I try not eat things with the word "hydrogenated" in the ingredient list. I did find a butter substitute the other day that does not contain hydrogenated oil that I will attempt to make an apple pie with tomorrow. I know that giving up dairy does have benefits, not just for Seth but for me as well. I am not eating as many goodies as I usual which should help me lose the baby weight quicker (I really hope this is the case). But it has also made me more conscious about how and what I eat. For example, going out to eat. Do you know how difficult it is to go out to eat when you have no idea what is used the food preparation and the server is no help? Helpful hint: do not go out to Italian or Mexican—everything has cheese on it. Asian restaurants are much safer choice. Japanese, Korean, and Chinese food very rarely contains dairy. I also have to plan ahead when I run errands with the kids and bring a snack or even a lunch for myself since just grabbing something as I go about my business is not a safe option.

It is getting easier the longer I go without dairy but I must confess I am getting apprehensive about Thanksgiving. I will be at my parents' house for the holiday and know how my mother cooks. As I think about all the yummy food she prepares for Thanksgiving I keep thinking, I can't eat the green bean and mushroom dish (my favorite side dish that my mother makes) it has butter; nope can't eat the candied sweet potatoes, they have butter; no I can't eat the apple pie, the pumpkin pie, the pecan pie, or the banana cream pie (my favorite); no mash potatoes either. I'll be able to eat the turkey, the veggie platter, the fruit, maybe the rolls depending on how they are made, and stuffing. Those are all good things but I cannot eat my favorite Thanksgiving dishes. I hope the non-dairy apple pie that I am making tomorrow turns out well then at least I can eat at least one dessert on Thanksgiving. But on the bright side, not being able eat dairy should help me resist the temptation of all the fattening things my parent have around the house.

Seth at one month

2010-10-23T00:22:00.003-06:00

Seth is now one month old. At his two week check up he had gained a pound from birth and grew 1.5 inches. In the last two weeks I am sure that he has gained at least 2 pounds (judging by the clothes that drowned him two weeks ago that now fit) and he has probably grown another inch. At least I hope he has, he certainly eats enough. It is amazing how quickly babies grow and change at this age. He loves to be held, to look at people and bright colored objects. He loves being undressed and taking baths. James and Anna fascinate him and thankfully Anna has not dropped him yet, she tries to pick him every time I turn my back for a second. Even if I am another room she instinctively knows when I put him down. At the moment he also has the worst case of baby acne I have ever seen. I hope it is not a prediction of his teenage years to come.

I love how cubby his check has become.

Holding her living dollie.

Watching Cars with his brother, or at least James is watching Cars, Seth is looking out the window.

Random but cute picture of Anna.

James surprised my one day by cleaning up all his toys off the floor and putting them in the basket. Then he sat on the them like a dragon guarding his horde and demanded Anna push him around.

Seth Brady

2010-10-17T14:53:00.006-06:00

It is hard for me to believe that Seth is almost a month. It seems like I was pregnant yesterday yet at the same time it feels like he should be older than a month. He is such a sweet baby, so happy and contented for the most part. He puts up with his overly affectionate sister remarkable well, even when she is practically laying on top of him giving him hugs and kisses. James likes him too; he is just more restrained in how he shows his affection.

Seth was born five days early on Tuesday September 21. I hoped he would come even earlier than that especially since I was having frequent contractions for almost a week (they were slightly uncomfortable but not painful). I got to the point that I stopped telling Brigham I was having contractions since it panicked him so much. Brigham had good reason to be panicked. First of all, despite having two kids already, Brigham had never had to take me to the hospital while in labor. I was induced with James and he was Afghanistan when Anna was born. Second, I have quick labors. Anna was only three hours. Thirds, he had to worry about getting James and Anna taken care of while I had the baby and getting me from Lehi to Orem (with all the construction on I-15) in time to have the baby.

When I went to bed on the 20th I had little hope the baby would come that night or even the next day. After a week of having contractions every 8-30 minutes they had stopped completely that Monday. Someone told that no contraction is wasted and that was certainly true when I was waked a little after four by a strong contraction that Tuesday morning. Ten minutes later when the next one came, I knew I was in labor. I did not need to time them or even wait for the next one to come, I knew. I woke up Brigham who was very disoriented and a little bit panicked. We called a friend who lives one apartment building over from ours. He came within five minutes and carried James and Anna, still sleeping, over to his apartment where waking up a few hours later in a strange apartment did not seem to distress them. (I find it distressing that they were not distressed, we need to work on stranger anxiety with both of them). We got in the car and I started to time my contractions, they were three minutes apart (see, I knew!). We arrived at the hospital around 5 am, my doctor arrived at 5:30 and Seth arrived at 5:59. Yes, that means I was in labor a little less than two hours and yes, it was natural. He weighed 7 pounds 14 oz, and 19.5 inches. He was perfect.

After Seth arrived, I looked over at Brigham who was holding the baby. He looked utter exhausted, even more than I felt. When I told him this, he replied, “You just don’t know what it is like to married to woman in labor.”

“Well, at least it was quick.”

“Next time I think we should camp out at the hospital.”

“Or you could learn to deliver a baby.”
You just don’t understand …”

The proud big brother

Equally proud sister (she always wants to hold the baby)

My little pumpkin

My pumkin patch

Anna built a "temple" for the baby

Seth at 3 weeks. How he has grown. At his 2 week check up had gained a pound and grew an inch and half since birth. In the last week I think he has gained another pound and grown an inch, judging my his clothes. The 0-3 month size almost fits!

The culprits who always steal Seth's pacifer and then steel it from each other.

My Pumpkin Patch

2010-09-18T09:43:00.004-06:00

About a week ago, I decided I should make a hat for the baby. I haven't had time to make anything yet for him, so I thought a hat would be quick to crochet. I had hoped to crochet him a blanket but I hadn't found a pattern I liked (I actually found one the other day, so now I am hurrying to finish it before he decides to come). When I saw this hat I knew I had to make it. My sister gave me some beautiful orange yarn for my birthday that I knew would be perfect for the hat. But since the pattern was for a preemie, I made it a little larger. I made it too large (I forget how small a newborn head is). The hat, with a few minor alterations fit Anna. She loved it and James asked for one too. So I ended up making three hats.

So now I have a pumpkin patch.

The newborn hat is graciously modeled by Maggie-dollie.

James had a little too much fun with the markers. His hands, arms and feet are even more decorated.

I can't wait until Maggie-dollie no longer has to stand in as a model. Hopefully within a week, I'll have a picture of all three of my pumpkin heads.

My Anna

2010-09-18T08:51:00.004-06:00

On Tuesday, Anna turned two.

It is still hard for me to believe that she has only been in my life for two years. It seems so much shorter and yet so much longer.

It is also amazing to see how much she has grown in the last year. And how her personality has developed.

I love her mischievous, playful personality. It gets her out of a lot of trouble. I love how independent she is. "I do it!" is her most common phrase, followed by "I did it!"

I love that she will only go to bed with her menagerie of stuffed animals: a puppy, two kitties, a turtle, Maggie-dollie, and blankets. I also love that she makes Brigham kiss them all goodnight and he must kiss them in the order she tells him otherwise he has to start all over (some nights he is even required to kiss her pillow and sippy cup).

I love watching her pick out her clothes for the day and how she loves dress.

I love watching her set the table and the care she takes in making sure the colors match or at least coordinate.

I love that she loves the temple and is never happier than when she is walking around the temple grounds.

Of course, for her birthday we had to give her a picture of the temple. She was so excited. Since Brigham hasn't had a chance to hang it yet, she walks around the house carrying it and singing her temple song. I also love to hear her sing songs, especially at night when she sings lullabies to her menagerie.

I love watching James and Anna play together. He is a wonderful older brother and so kind and gentle to her. It makes me sad that she sometimes bullies him but he takes it in stride. I also love to watch him when Anna does gets in trouble for hitting, pushing, pinching or otherwise tormenting her brother. After he gets over his hurt he always tries to comfort her while she serves out her timeout. If she is in the bedroom, he'll lay down on the floor and look under the door and say "Its alright, Nana." Then he'll put his hand under the door to hold her hand. If she is buckled into her booster seat, he'll come over and kiss her. Usually he apologizes to her (even though she is the one who should apologize) and tell me that Nana is sorry and she can get off time out now.

I love to watch her wrap her father and brother tightly around her little finger. And how happy both are to bask in her loving attention and her teasing.

I love her expressive little face.

I just love my Anna

The difference between a 2 year old and a 3 year old

2010-09-01T21:18:00.003-06:00

Cupcakes with lots of frosting

An almost 3 1/2 year old eating a cupcake with lots of frosting.

An almost 2 year old eating a cupcake with lots of frosting

I am glad James has learned to be a neater eater but I miss the messy faces.

Sometimes I make frosting for no other reason than I think she looks adorable with chocolate all over her face.

I love to see the temple

2010-08-31T01:39:00.003-06:00

When I became a mother, I was overwhelmed by everything I thought I needed to teach my children and how to teach it. I was especially concerned about teaching them the gospel in a way that would help them to truly believe, and how to feel the Holy Ghost. I mean, how do you teach a toddler to feel and recognize the Holy Ghost? Both James and Anna quickly let me know they do not need any help feeling and recognizing the Holy Ghost, He seems to be their constant companion.

Anna, for example, loves the temple. I cannot convey how much she loves it. She instinctive knows where every temple is between Salt Lake City and Provo, and when we drive she will screech and point her little finger at the temple (even if it is just a speck) and shout "Temple." When pass it, she will crane her neck and continually "Where's the temple? Where is it?" If I drive within five blocks of the temple her excitement is uncontainable and if I don't stop at the temple and let her walk around the grounds, she lapses into tears and (occasionally) near hysterics. The only way to console her is my by singing "I Love To See the Temple" repeatedly.

The first few times Anna lapsed into tears, I thought she was just tired; it was late, we did not have time to stop. Unfortunately, that was always my excuse, I don't have time to stop. I don't have time to get both kids out of the car and walk around. I have errands to run, a house to clean, dinner to cook, etc. One Saturday as I was driving on the freeway back from Provo to Lehi, Anna was excitedly pointing at the temple, then she started singing her own version of "I love to see the temple," which basically goes like this: "Temple, mommy, daddy, Dames (James), Nana (Anna), Temple, Jesus, Temple." As she sang I realized, she truly loves the temple, that she feel the spirit when she merely glimpes it. And I also realized that I had to take her to the temple. My job as a parent was not teach James and Anna to feel the spirit; they already know and recongize it. My job was to recongize when they were feeling and to help them heed it. If I kept driving passed the temple, to busy to stop, eventually Anna would stop pointing at it and singing her temple song. Eventually she would stop feeling the spirit because I had taught her to ignore it.

That following Monday we took James and Anna to the temple for FHE and they loved running around the temple ground, smelling the flowers, and touching the building. Now I find myself taking James and Anna to at least one temple every week (with six between Provo and Salt Lake there is a lot choices). If I find myself within five blocks of a temple, even if I did not plan it, I stop. When either child is tired or needs a rest, I go the church website and show them pictures of the temples around the world. This always calms them down and they will sit for 30 minutes or more (no small feat for two active kids) just to look at pictures of the temples. But it has also helped me. On days when I am tired and cranky, going to the temple or looking at temple pictures rejuvenates me and helps me restore my patience. And I remember how much I love to see the temple as well.

Family Outings

2010-08-26T13:54:00.003-06:00

One of the best things about Brigham finally being done with law school and the Bar, is that we can finally plan family outings. Before, if took a family outing, it had to be short, local and was usually infrequent. For the last several weekends we have actually been able to plan all day activities with kids. One weekend we went up to Temple Square in Salt Lake City (I forgot my camera that day). A couple Saturdays ago, we went up to the Temple Quarry in Sandy and then went up Little Cottonwood canyon to the Albion Basin.

Anna and James loved climbing on the rocks throughout the quarry. It has a small paved path that loops around. (I can't believe that Anna's hair is long enough to put in french braids and that she actually let put her hair in braids.)

James also loved walking through the tall grass at the quarry.

The Albion Basin is one of the beautiful places I have been in Utah. It is at the very end of Little Cottonwood Canyon and at this time of year, is a vibrant blanket of wild flowers. I wish I was not so pregnant so that we could have hiked a little bit more.

As we were coming down from a short hike, a couple passed us and asked if we had seen any wildflowers up ahead. Both Brigham and I looked around us, yes, there were wild flowers up ahead but, um, there are wild flowers EVERYWHERE. We wondered if they were looking a specific flower because this picture above is what the entire basin looked like.

James and Anna loved the basin and walking through all the flowers. Next time we go, we will plan to go a little earlier, bring more food and water, and not go on Saturday (parking is very limited in the basin and fills up quickly on the weekend). But we had a great time.

Something is missing

2010-08-20T17:04:00.002-06:00

I try to eat healthy. I try to buy lots of fresh vegetables and fruit. I try to buy in season as much as I can. And I try to buy local produce not because it is more "sustainable" but the produce tastes better when it was picked the day before than a week or more. The problem I have is finding local produce. There are road side stands and I stop at them but they seem limited to corn and watermelon (at least right now). I want garden fresh zucchini, summer squash, lettuce, and onion and hopefully (soon) tomatoes. To that end I have gone to three different farmer's markets in the last few weeks and one thing was missing at all of them: the farmer!

There are plenty of art and homemade craft stands, food stands, pastry and artisan bread stands, local honey, locally raised beef and local canned goods but very few farmers (or in one case, none). And the produce that they offer seems limited to small beets, expensive and wilted lettuce, tasteless peaches, and potted herbs. Not what I was hoping for.

Anna Screams

2010-08-10T13:16:00.002-06:00

For ice cream....

She really is screaming in this photo

She chose the biggest spoon she could find.

Getting every last drop.

Early Morning Thoughts

2010-08-09T15:09:00.001-06:00

A few nights ago, James woke me up at 2 o'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom. Since he had fallen asleep in his clothes and underwear I was very happy he woke me up instead of wetting his bed. After I got him settled back into sleep and tried to get back to sleep myself I started noticing a lot of noise coming from our upstairs neighbors. Now our apartment building is fairly soundproof, we only hear our upstairs neighbors when they are running water or near a vent. I kept hearing the toilet flush and crying. Just when my sleep befuddled mind started to wonder if something was wrong the doorbell rang. Brigham answered. It was one of the girls from upstairs. Her single mom was very sick, can he help? He went upstairs and came back a few minutes later to grab his keys and phone; he needed to take her to the ER. She had a severe case of food poisoning. I asked about her two daughters (the oldest is 13 or 14), were they alright? They were very concerned but they would fine.

After he left I could not go back to sleep. I knew how frightening this had to be for our upstairs neighbor, not only to be severely sick but to home alone with two young daughters and sick wondering who she could go to for help. While Brigham was deployed this was the thought that kept me up at night. What if I got sick or injured or went into labor, who could I call? Many people had told me I could call them if I needed anything but at 2 o'clock in the morning... it is a little bit harder to call someone for help. But the thought that frightened me, no terrified me, almost every night as I lay in bed was "what if something happened to me?" What if I slipped and was knocked unconscious, or had a seizure or was in some way incapacitated and could not call for help? I was not worried how long it would take someone to help me. I worried how long James would cry in the crib before someone came, would it be hours, days? Would the downstairs neighbors hear him and check up on us? Who would help my little boy? How long would he suffer? My one comfort was that Brigham was able to call me every day. I knew that if he could not reach me after 2-3 tries he would start calling people to come check on me (he knew my fears).

Many times during the deployment people said to me, "Oh, it's like you're (playing) at being a single mom." (Yes, someone actually said I was "playing" at being a single mom). I have the greatest respect and admiration for single parents: it is the hardest job imaginable to me but I was not at any time during the deployment a single mom. I prefer "temporarily only parent" for this reason: I was not single. I was and am married. Although my husband was not physically there, I knew of his love and concern for me and our children, he was emotionally, spiritually, mentally there for me. Although there is immense comfort in physical proximity of a spouse (even when he remains asleep despite the crying child laying next to him), there is even greater comfort in a spouse who is deeply concerned about you, and your children, and does all they can to help despite a temporary physical separation. And I knew that it was temporary, I had a general idea of when it would end (the military is not good at giving firm dates). The same is not true for single parents who not only face the challenges of life and parenthood by themselves but also have to suffer the alienation of affectation, commitment, and love from their former spouse and feel a deep sense of betrayal and abandonment. Even in a so-called "amicable" divorce, the estrangement from a person who once they felt such hope for their future life together is heart wrenching. Supportive family and friends can never truly take the place of loving and committed spouse.

These thoughts came to me that night because I know that in a few months I will once again become "temporarily only parent" when Brigham starts his training with Navy. When people ask me how I feel about that I just shrug my shoulders. I'm alright with it. No, I am not looking forward to being home alone with three kids, one a newborn. No, I am not looking forward to the return of the terrifying nightly thoughts of "what if something happens to me" that I know will besiege me. And yes, I know it will be hard. But I also know that my husband will be even worse off because I at least have the comfort of my children while he will be alone. But we both know that it will temporary. We have been through it before.

Future Blackmail Pictures

2010-07-30T15:48:00.006-06:00

This passed month, James has been so generous in providing me with ample opportunities to take pictures of him. These picture will be a future source of embarrassment to him I am sure, especially when I show them to any girl that he brings home for us to meet. In about thirteen years I am will be enjoying myself greatly.

Proof to show that he did this himself and I did not dress him up.

Even though the shoes are on the wrong foot, he walks in heels very well.

James feels very left out that Anna and I wear dresses frequently. He is always asking for a dress of his own. Finally he decided that one of Anna's, although several sizes too small, would suffice.

Don't worry, it's a clean pullup.

What is James hiding under the blanket?

Oh, another too small dress.

For some reason, wearing a dress brings out James's inner diva. He is more than willing to pose for the camera something he rarely does at any other time.

Needs vs. Wants

2010-07-10T07:52:00.003-06:00

We recently moved 20 miles north to Lehi, Utah. During the process of this move, deciding where to move, what we could afford, what we were looking for in a new home, and finding a new domicile, we (or rather I) was constantly faced with our family's needs versus my wants. Because of the differences in our childhoods and family economics growing up, Brigham is much better able to distinguish needs from wants whereas I tend to think of many wants as needs. This has lead to no little contention in our marriage, mostly with me having to concede that I don't need something that I think I do. It was no different during this move.

I wanted a bigger, better place with a nice modern kitchen, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, and a yard. I found one area with several condos available that seemed to meet what we needed (it had no yard but said there was a park nearby and playground in the condo complex) but when we drove through the neighborhood, both Brigham and I knew it was not right for us. No matter how nice the condo might me inside, we hated the neighborhood. The park was dismal and the playground in the complex (if it could be called that) would require crossing a large busy parking lot. But it was the only 3 bedroom, 2 bath in our price range! (3 bedrooms is a need, not a want). So I increased our price range by $100 and found a townhouse that seemed perfect. A yard, large kitchen, near a park, with plenty of storage space. I was convinced this townhouse is what our family needed. Brigham, knowing how frustrated I was, agreed to drive up to the neighborhood just to check things out. We loved the neighborhood. We liked the park. While we were there Brigham noticed an apartment complex just across the street from the townhouse I had my heart set on. He also noticed the "For Rent" sign and asked me to find out more. I complied and found out it fitted our needs, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, laundry room in the apartment and the price was incredible. The complex was very green, with, in addition to huge park just across the street, 3 good playgrounds of its own in the interior of the complex. It was designed to be kid friendly, the parking was only around the exterior leaving green grass and pathways to connect the buildings (unlike the condos we had look at that separated each building with a parking lot). But I did not want to live in an apartment complex. We have two active kids who love the outdoors, they NEED a yard, right? We NEED a bigger place, right? The apartment was same square footage of pervious home, what we gained in another bed and bath, we lost in front room.

Brigham, ever patient with me, reminded me that while a $100 more a month may not seem that much, even the upper reaches of our price range would stretch us financially. I have a tendency to freak out about our finances every 2-3 months whether I need to or not and being pregnant only makes these freak out session more emotional and dramatic. Brigham was already stressed and anxious about study for the Bar exam. He knew that he could not work more than a few hours a week and as he got closer to the exam would stop working altogether. More than needing a new home, Brigham needed ME not be stressed financially. He also reminded me other needs and some wants we would forego if I got the townhouse I wanted: peace of mind, money needed to prepare for the new baby, our food budget would have to be cut, as well money to take the kids swimming, or movies, or other outings, and no money for babysitters or going on dates. I would have the home I wanted but nothing else. So we moved to the apartment complex. And I have to confess, I like the apartment. It may be the same size as our last home but it has much more usable space. The kids don't mind the lack of yard, the love the park and playgrounds, and having so many other kids around neighborhood. It is not what I wanted but it is what our family needs at this time.

A Mind of Her Own

2010-05-23T23:18:00.003-06:00

It seems from the moment she was born, Anna was expressing her opinion and demanding to get her own way. She tells me frequently, "I do it" and if I don't let her do it herself a tantrum ensues. Compared to her, James is my easy going child. With the exception of his recent desire to wear nothing but pajamas, James has never cared what I dressed him. Anna started had an opinion of what she wanted to wear at a young age (before she was one) and is only getting more demanding.

Today, for example, when I was dressing Anna for church, I gave her the option of three dresses: a blue one, a yellow one, and a red one. She chose the blue one. After I buttoned it up she grabbed the yellow one (the one I thought she would chose since yellow is her favorite color) and started to put it one over the blue dress. I asked her if she wanted to take the blue dress off and wear the yellow. She said, "No!" I tried to take the yellow one off. She scream, so I buttoned up the yellow dress. She looked in the mirror and declared herself "Pretty." Who am I to gainsay a determined one and half year old who thinks wearing two dresses at the same time to be perfectly acceptable? Besides only a toddler can get away with wearing two dresses to church and still be considered cute, or as Anna frequently told me today, "I pretty."

This Old House

2010-04-16T21:10:00.006-06:00

We rent an old house, it was probably built in the 30's or 40's. The fact that it is old is not a problem, per se. I lived in a house that was over a hundred years old when I lived in Cambridge. It was a beautiful house, very well maintained and updated when needed. The problem with this old house is that it has not been well maintained and not updated at all.

My landlord and his wife have own this house for 30+ years. They raised their family here until moving to larger more modern house a few miles away. The landlord views this house with intense nostalgia, thinks that its non modern amenities are a plus and is very cheap. Whenever something needs to be fix he does it as minimally and cheaply as possible and even when we forewarn him of problems he does nothing until he has to. For example, the roof. Last summer we noticed a crack in the ceiling of our bedroom that it had started to hang down a little near the wall. Brigham (who has worked construction and knew that the cracks location was under a problem he had noticed in the roof and eves) called the landlord and explained the problem. The landlord replaced the roof but only on that side of the house and did nothing to repair the gap between the roof and eves that was the cause of the problem in the first place. (Just so you know, the entire roof and the eves need to be replaced, there are multiple places with gaps).

Another example, is the front door. Almost from the time we moved in (we have been here three and half years) we had told them the front door was cracked and very drafty. They did nothing. The day after Christmas, I noticed that the front room was freezing. I thought nothing of it as I was trying to get the kids fed and in the car so we could start our long drive down to San Diego. When I opened the door I discovered that the wood and glass had separated resulting in about an inch gap. No wonder the front room was freezing!! We patched it up the best we could before we left, called the landlord who said he would have it replaced before we returned from San Diego in about week. When we returned the front door had not been touched. When we called he said he was waiting for a carpenter to come out to see if it could be repaired!! The wood was rotted through and the glass bowled out!! He came over later that day and duck taped it! The carpenter/handyman who came out (he has been doing repairs for the landlord for years) just rolled his eyes and was immediately on the phone with the landlord telling him the door needed to be replaced immediately and then called him several times to ask him if he had made a decision yet on the door. The door was finally replaced in MARCH!

We have also had frequently problems with the plumbing. The plumber (the father of the carpenter) comes over about every six months for some problem or another, leaking faucets, backed up drains, broken faucets. Every time he comes he comments and mutters how the landlord needs to update the plumbing, that he can't just keep doing patch jobs. This old house still has lead pipes, they should have been replaced over 20 years ago. The plumber tells them that frequently, he has been their plumber for about 20 years. He told them that there will come a day when he cannot just do a patch job but will need to replace the pipes. That day came today.

Last night (Thursday night) Brigham gave the kids a bath and the water drained just fine. Two hours later when I took a shower, the water would not drain at all and the bathroom sink started draining into the tub as well. It took 2 hours for all the water to drain with some backwash from the sewer. The pipes are designed in such a way that the plumber cannot use a snake to get the problem and the trap is so old that it would not reseal if opened. So now I am not able to use the bathtub or shower until the pipes are replaced, which will hopefully be Saturday, that is, if the parts the plumber ordered come in.

So I spent this morning moving our things out of the basement into our backyard and front room. Brigham would have helped but he was taking a final and at the time the plumber said he just had to go pick up some parts and would have it fixed today otherwise I would not have been running up down stairs hauling heavy objects while pregnant. And when the plumber arrived with some parts (around 2pm), he told me it would take about 3 hours so I left with the kids (since the backyard and front room were full of stuff they had no place to play). Later when he realized he had to order some parts, he did not call me to inform that he could not start until tomorrow. So when I got back at 5pm, my house a disaster, the tub not fixed and no way to take a shower or give my dirty kids a bath, I was not happy. We ended up bathing the kids in the kitchen sink (which is not really a kitchen but a utility sink that has no disposal) and hoping the tub is fixed by tomorrow so Brigham and I can actually take a shower. The only good thing about this is that is forcing Brigham and me to clean out the basement which has been on our 'to do' list for months.

We do plan on moving and really, really, really want to move but we are not able to until August do to myriad reasons.

My Baby is 3

2010-04-11T12:00:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was James's 3rd birthday. I cannot believe it has been 3 years since he born despite the fact that he has a little sister with another sibling on the way. Everyday he is growing and learning, in fact he had become quite a little talker (I worried, he spoke so little) who loves trains, airplanes, spaceships, and being outside. I love the fact that he called me Cassy and then Sweetheart before he called me Mommy. A few days ago he called me Sweetheart again for the first time in months, and I realized how much I liked him calling me Sweetheart. I love that he corrects me and tells me he is beautiful and not handsome. I love to hear him sing the alphabet song in whatever order he pleases. He is a joy to have around.

I did not do a fancy cake this year, Brigham made him a carrot cake from scratch that tasted delicious.
James was very excited to open his present, more trains and tracks to add to his set.

I don't know who like it more, James or his father. Brigham spent an hour building a rebuidling the track while James pushed his trains around.

I have to post at least one picture of Anna!

The happy Birthday Boy.

Easter Snowman

2010-04-08T17:37:00.009-06:00

I was very surprised to wake up to snow on Easter morning. James and Anna, however, loved it and making a snowman with their daddy.

One day I will get both kids looking at the camera at the same time!

A few hours after making the snowman, all the snow had melted except the snowman. James, as usual is outside without shoes. He really should have been born in California or Hawaii, he will not keep shoes on his now matter the weather or how hard I try.

Both James and Anna felt that they needed to taste the snowman.

Easter

2010-04-04T06:39:00.005-06:00

Brigham's grandfather always has a HUGE Easter egg hunt the day before Easter and I mean HUGE. This year there was probably 20-30 kids hunting from 1 year old to 18 years old all looking for about 300 eggs. At the end, they break open the plastic eggs dump them into huge bowls and then divide up the candy evenly. We came home with three paper lunch bags full of candy. James and Anna had a great time looking for eggs and playing with cousins.

James ready to go

Anna had so much fun finding eggs and putting them in her basket.

Despite the full, heavy basket Anna would not let me carry it for her.

This is just one bowl full of candy. There were two others just as big, just as full.

Brigham's grandfather yard has old playground equipment. That slide is the slide that Brigham's father played on. James and Anna love to play on this playground.

A Little Smug Justice

2010-03-30T14:00:00.004-06:00

One of my biggest pet peeves about living in Utah is the complete lack of consideration drivers have towards pedestrians and the complete disregard they have towards traffic laws concerning pedestrians. If I can, I prefer to walk with the kids rather than drive especially to the library, the park, and to the store when I only need to pick up some milk. Each time I step out my door pushing my double stroller, I feel like I am taking my life and my children's lives in my hands just to cross the street. We live near a busy street in Provo, and when I cross the street I never know whether cars will stop for me or not.

The intersection where I cross this street does not have a marked cross walk, however, any intersection, marked or not, is a legal place for pedestrian to cross. I know this because twice a year Provo sends out a newsletter reminding people of traffic laws concerning cars and pedestrians. I think I must be the only person in Provo who reads this newsletter because I am constantly amazed by the things drivers do: they speed up and then slam on their brakes and make nasty faces at me, they change lanes so they will not have to stop, and if a car does stop other cars will just go around them without slowing down, as well driving about 50 mph on 35 mph rode. And just so you know changing lanes when a pedestrian is crossing the street and not stopping, and especially going around a car that is stop for a pedestrian, is a traffic violation.

Well, yesterday I finally got some just justice for all the times I have cars callously ignore me and endangered my children's lives by not obeying the traffic laws. As I was waiting for traffic to pass before crossing the street, a police car in the right lane stopped for me. I started to cross but as I did so I notice the car coming up behind the stopped police car starting to accelerate and change lanes into the left. I had to stop in the middle of the street until she passed to continue across (the cars coming from the opposite direction had already stopped for me). As I reached the other side of the street, I heard the policeman gun his engine. I turned to look and saw him speeding up to pull over the car that had failed to stop. I felt just a little bit smug that someone was finally being given a ticket because they failed to stop for me and children.

How Do Dinosaurs Say Good Night?

2010-02-07T17:22:00.004-07:00

Anna gave this book to James for Christmas. Now I read it 5-10 times a day, over and over again. I have it memorized. When I can, I hid it but if I am seen hiding it, chair and stools are moved to retrieve it. Little feet follow me around all day, carrying the book just waiting for me to sit down to crawl into my lap. And before I read the last page, pages are being turned back to the beginning to start again.

And here she comes again....

Did you think it was James?

Time

2010-01-15T22:36:00.004-07:00

I never have enough time it seems. All day long I feel like I running, running, running. Going places, running errands, entertaining to kids, cleaning, cooking, changing diapers. I never seem to have enough time to read a book, to do a project, or even write a blog. I wonder how other moms seem to be able to do more than just run a household. I wish I could give up watching t.v. to get more spare time, but I don't watch television. I wish I could spend less time on Facebook to get more spare time but I only spend about 5 minutes there every other day. I would love to give up doing to dishes or folding laundry to read a book but if I don't do it no one will and it will just mean more work for me the next morning.

Surprisingly, I did find one thing that has given me more time: I organized the toys. Previously, all of the toys were kept in a large, open chest in the front room. The toys were all jumbled up and hard to find. At the end of the day all the toys would be on the floor where the kids tossed them without playing with them. Because the toys were all jumbled, they could not find what they wanted, and they would get bored. Once a week I would clean out the toy chest, it would take about an hour to reorganize everything. But it would take the kids 2 seconds to mix it all up again trying to get out the toys they wanted. And they would not help clean up.

Last week we got rid of the toy chest. Now all the toys are organized in Tupperware bins. There is one for the trains, for the cars, for the block, and so on. And they are kept on the top bunk of James' bed (since it is currently not needed as a bed) so I have to get the toys down of them. Oh, it has been wonderful. I get down one or two at time and when they are done playing with that particular toy they actually help clean it up, so they can get another toy down. Because each toy is kept together with all its parts they actually play with their toys! Dinner is so much quicker to prepare at night, the house stays cleaner, the kids are happier, and I have a few more minutes to read a paragraph or two at night.

Anna

2010-01-15T22:13:00.003-07:00

Anna is my snugly child, my daring child, my mothering child, my temperamental child. She is so opposite from James who does not like to snuggle, who is cautious (and still runs from the vacuum while Anna dances in front of it), who only just learned to say "no" and uses it sparingly whereas Anna says it frequently and with great force. Oh yes, she my look cute and sweet but ...

She knows how to torment her brother by knocking down his train set, or her personal favorite, grabbing a train car and running away giggling, leaving wails of dismay in her wake.

But she is always willing to kiss and make up. Or give comfort when she thinks it is needed. Or make friends with animals and babies.

James

2010-01-15T21:54:00.006-07:00

I am continually amazed by my children, how much they grow and change and the things they do and say that completely surprise me. Take James, for example, he really wanted an airplane for Christmas but I could not find one that was right for him. Instead of being disappointed, he made his own. This is his airplane.

What amazed me was that he thought to make one on his own and that he actually said "made airplane" when I asked what he was doing instead of parroting back what I said. It is so much fun now that he actually speaks for himself. Here a few things I hear him say throughout the day.

"No, no Nanny!!" (he calls Anna Nana or Nanny)

"Scooby Doo? Watch Scooby Doo?"

"Daddy go on timeout?" (he loves to put people on timeout, probably because he spends so much time on it!)

The other day Brigham asked James how his little man was to which James replied, "James big man."

Childhood Threats

2009-12-08T21:37:00.003-07:00

As a child, my mom would often threaten to leave us hanging on a hook when we misbehaved. It is a very tempting thought.

Very tempting!!

A revelation

2009-12-03T23:56:00.002-07:00

Over Thanksgiving weekend we stayed at Brigham's uncle's house to care for their two adorable black lab puppies. I don't know what I liked more about the weekend: the dogs, the kitchen that looked out onto a huge yard with a trampoline and play set which the kids love despite the cold weather, that when the kids were inside there was plenty of space to run around without getting under my feet or fighting with each other, the dishwasher, or the fact that I did not feel the constant overwhelming need to clean. There was room enough to make a mess without continually tripping over it. I relished the wide open spaces of this house. To give an idea of the space, the master bedroom + bath is only a little bit smaller than our entire house and, no, I am not exaggerating. It was a revelation. We need to move to a bigger place!! Now! Immediately! I feel the walls of our small house closing in on me!

Unfortunately, we are not able to move until Brigham graduates in April. We knew this but spending the weekend at Brigham's uncle brought it home, so to speak. So our current plan is to stay where we are until after Brigham graduates, and since we still have not received a job offer for an attorney job and even if we had, it is not likely to start until October or later, and Brigham currently has a job in Draper, we will move to the Sandy area in late April, early May. I am so excited by this that I have already started looking to see what is available and the price. I am also compiling my list of what I am looking for in a house (we want a house not a condo):

3-4 bedrooms with at least 1.5 bathrooms
A fenced backyard with a window that overlooks it (preferably in the kitchen) and hopefully a garden plot
A closet in every bedroom and a hall closet (our current house only has two closets, one in our bedroom and one in the hall)
A modern kitchen with dishwasher and garbage disposal, counter space for more than a microwave, and cabinets deep enough to actually fit my plates, and a fridge that cannot be heard throughout the entire house.
At least two three-pronged electrical outlets in every room
A bathroom that has a counter and cabinets
Close walking proximity to parks and shopping.

That's my list so far. I am sure that it will grow but I do not think it is too much to ask, do you?

Halloween

2009-11-02T18:03:00.004-07:00

James and Anna had a lot of fun dressing up for Halloween. In fact they dressed up in many different costumes.

This is James' monkey costume from last year. It still fits and he still loves it.

Anna is wearing James' pumpkin costume from his first Halloween when he was 6 months old. I was surprised it fit her.

In the customes I bought for this year my little angel and her not so angelic brother (although Anna is more mischievious than James).

I love this face.

This is a dress Brigham brought back from Afghanstan. Next year it will fit.

Anna loves being held up-side-down.

At the law school trick-or-treat party.

Ready to head outside.

She is not always so angelic looking.

The red shoes are to warn people that although she may look angelic, she has a temper.

Squashers

2009-10-28T21:29:00.008-06:00

James and Anna love squash. While they like eating squash, they love to sit on it more. I call them my Squash-sitters or Squashers. When I am cooking, they sit on their respective squashes and watch me.

This is Anna's favorite squash. It is just the right size for her. I have no idea what type it is, we bought it at a roadside farm stand.

It is a good seat for a snack as well.

James balances on a hubbard squash since we moved his pumpkin outside.

He really liked that pumpkin.

Now I don't know if I can cook their squashes. Where would my little Squashers sit and eat their snacks and watch me cook?

James-isms

2009-10-28T00:16:00.003-06:00

James is talking so much now. He frequently is asking "Whats dis?" and then answering it himself. He is obsessed with pointing at and saying "Eyebrow!" I love the way he says some things that I just have to share his James-isms.

Jamesie- What he calls himself.

'Licious—(my personal favorite). James is very prudent in his use of this word. It is only for foods that he finds especially delicious. For example, the grape juice mixed with sprite he had at Anna's birthday party. He said 'licious after every sip.

Up-and-down— James could not remember which was up and which was down, so he combined the two words and it now means whatever condition he is not currently in. If he wants to be held, it means up. If he is being held, it means down.

Nummy bread—what he calls homemade bread. I usually awake in the morning to James' smiling face right next to mine saying "Piece of nummy bread?"And if I forgot to put it on top of the fridge, he is holding it.

Ap'in—what he calls his apron which he insists on wearing when I made "nummy bread."

Squish bread—his term for kneading "nummy" bread. He insists on helping.

Temp-o—Temple. Any building with a steeple or that he is things is sufficiently grand is called "temp-o" or castle.

Nana b'ake it—Anna broke it. He blames Anna for everything and only calls her Nana.

Oh No! Oh No! Oh No! its b'oken!—"B'oken" is his word for anything that he feels is not in right or that he cannot put right by himself.

Daddy scareme—Daddy Scary. James loves to be scared which basically consists of just growling at him. He thinks its hilarious. I think he is adorable.

Food for thought, part III: Kids

2009-10-26T23:03:00.004-06:00

While marriage and my extensive reading on food helped changed the way I think about food, the way I cook and what I chose to eat, it is my children that motivate me the most. Even before marrying and having children, I was concerned by the raising rates of obesity that I read about frequently and saw around me but I found the obesity rates among children and teens concerning. One book that I read gave the statistic that children today are four times at risk of becoming overweight or obese than their parents were at the same age. Four times!! That is astounding. Yet when I look around at the prevalence of fast food restaurants and how busy they are, the amount of processed foods, snack foods, and candy that are readily available almost everywhere I go, not to mention all the advertizing that is directly aimed at children (in so many subtle and conniving ways) it is no wonder that we are in the midst of an obesity epidemic.

As a mother, I have many responsibilities and obligations to my children as well as the many things I want to teach them and let them experience. One of my biggest responsibilities, I feel, is to help them grow up healthy, strong and active that will help them achieve a good self-esteem and body image. I also want them to enjoy eating healthy food, and more importantly, to understand the importance of choosing healthy food over junk and how to cook healthy food for themselves. I keep a fruit bowl near the table and it is not unusually to find the apples and pears in it with little bites taken out of them. James, the ever helpful big brother, usually gets a piece of fruit for Anna (since she is too short to reach the bowl) when he is helping himself to some. It is adorable to watch these two little people try to eat a whole apple! But I worry what the future will bring. Although we do not watch TV (we only watch DVDs) James is already being influenced by advertizing. He knows McDonalds although we have only taken him there once while traveling. He begs for "fishies" (goldfish crackers) when we go shopping and asks for candy (that's my fault, I have a sweet tooth or two).

I also worry about how to help Anna and any other daughters I may have, to have a good body image when girl's clothes, even some baby clothes, emphasize slenderness and can be very provocative. A few months ago, for example, I bought Anna a new pair of jeans from Old Navy. When I put them on her I could not button them; she was too chubby. Now Anna is not THAT chubby of a baby. In fact she usually weights between the 50th to 60th percentile for her age but these jeans were cut in such a way that makes me think they were designed for babies in the 30th percentile or lower. In other words, they were not designed for the average 6-12 month old like Anna, but for the "skinny" babies. Now that Anna is crawling and walking, she has slimmed out more in her tummy and the jeans fit but when I first put the jeans on I thought, "Great, I'm giving her body image problems at 6 months old!" I don't want Anna to ever have body image problems or if she does I hope they are minor and don't start until she is a teenager. However, the world seems more and more obsessed with body image: the too thin models and actresses in magazines and on TV, the raising rates of obesity and eating disorders, and the amount of money spent on diet products each year are all reasons for me to be concerned by how my children might perceive their bodies as they mature into adulthood.

I have read frequently that a mother's attitude towards food and her body imagine (positive or negative) affect how her children view food and their bodies. While I would never have called myself "skinny" as a child or a teenager, I did not feel that I was overweight or fat. I was healthy, I was active, I played outside with siblings and friends, rode my bike to school (if we lived close enough) and rode my bike or roller skated after school. In high school I started working out at a gym and in college I started running. I still run 3-4 times a week and if both kids take a nap, I work out to home videos. I have never "gone" on a diet. The first time I ever wanted or needed to lose weight was after having two kids. Despite my efforts not to gain too much weight while pregnant I gained 55 pounds with James and my body, especially my knees, ached from the excess weight. After that I determined to never let myself become overweight. After each pregnancy I watched the amount of sweets I ate, prepare healthy foods, exercised and soon I lost all the baby weight.

Sometimes I feel like I obsess about food but then I realized I am not obsessed about food, I am obsess about what to feed my family that will be healthy. I am obsessed with maintaining by husband's and my health and raising healthy, strong and happy children. I want all of us to be able to run and play without getting winded or having body image problems. I want all of us to find joy and wonder in our bodies and what they can do. I fully intend that when James and Anna leave our house to start college or serve a mission they will know how to plan menus and cook healthy food and to find pleasure in cooking good food. I think I will make that their exit examine: my children must first plan and cook healthy dinners for week before I will let them leave my home. Then if they fall victim to the obesity epidemic, I will know that it is their fault and not mine for not teaching them good nutrition knowledge or how to cook healthy foods.

Food for Thought, part II: Knowledge

2009-10-05T17:20:00.001-06:00

When I started college there were three career paths I was interested in pursuing: business (my first business class put an end to that, it was soooo boring), English (understatement: I love to read), and nutrition. I had great hopes for nutrition; I loved to read magazine and news articles about food and nutrition and found it very interesting but confusing. I took Nutrition 101 my first semester of college. It was a night class taught by a very pregnant professor from Kenya who I had great difficulty understanding. This class killed my hopes of nutrition as a major. What I found confusing about nutrition was amplified in this class.

In 1996, when I started college, was the heyday of micro-nutritionism (i.e. all they taught and talked about was vitamins, minerals and other nutrients with heavy focus on the "super" nutrient of the moment without context to the actual foods in which they are found. That is what I found so confusing and which still confuses most people about good nutrition.) The whole food movement had started but it had not yet reached the news articles in popular magazines and college classrooms at that time. If I had attended a school where nutrition was taught from the whole foods perspective, I would have become a nutritionist instead I ended up majoring in elementary and special education for reasons I still don't understand myself.

In the years following that ill-fated nutrition class, I tried to learn more about nutrition and healthy eating but as mentioned above, it was confusing. Much of the information was confusing and contradictory. I ate as healthy as I could based upon my knowledge, resources and time available to devote to it. A few months after my wedding I met a woman at church who introduced me to Eating Well magazine. In this magazine I finally found what I had been looking for in terms of whole food nutrition information and delicious healthy recipes. After sampling several recipes from its website (all recipes from the magazine are available free on the website) I subscribed to the magazine and have for the last three years. Over 75% of the meals I cook come from recipes in this magazine. With one or two exceptions I have liked every recipe I have tried and the exceptions had more to do with personal taste than anything wrong with the recipe.

Eating Well also opened up a whole new realm of literature on food and nutrition for me. It was in that magazine that I first heard about The Omnivore's Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meal
by Michael Pollan. I read this book about a year and half ago. Four months ago I read another book by Pollan In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto.
Pollan is an investigative journalist, not a nutritionist or someone else professionally involved with food or nutrition, and because of that I found his books to be articulate and understandable to the average reader unlike many books I had read by nutrition professionals. Since reading Pollan's books I now feel that I can read a food label with some degree of competence (before I read them because I felt I ought to even though I did not understand them). I avoid, as much as possible, buying processed foods and if I do buy any I buy ones with a short ingredient list, with ingredients that I can actually pronounce and recognize, and hopefully without high fructose corn syrup.

A week after I finishing In Defense of Food I read The End of Overeating by David Kessler, M.D, a former FDA commissioner. Reading these two books close together will prompt almost anyone to never buy processed or fast food again, and instill a strong desire to plant a garden or start a small hobby farm. While The End of Overeating is not as accessible to average reader as Pollan's book, in some respects the way it is written does drive home some important facts more forcefully than Pollan's books. The first part of the book is devoted to research on what food combinations in terms of fat, sugar, salt cause people to overeat and which can be addictive. The second part of the book then details how the food industry takes these studies and applies them to make their food more "palatable," in other words, they design processed food to be overeaten so the consumer will buy more. Even commercial diet foods use this research to make their foods more palatable.

Next I read The Unhealthy Truth: How Our Food is Making us Sick and What We Can Do About It
by Robyn O'Brien. This also was an eye opening look at food especially into food preservatives, food colors, genetically engineered food, and growth hormones used in dairy cows. O'Brien is, like me, a housewife whose daughter violent allergic reaction to eggs prompted her to do in depth research into allergies and then into the food industry. Most of the book is about the research and studies she uncovered, especially in from European sources. In Europe most studies are funded by the government not the food industry like the US. In Europe, as well, many food additives and colors, so prevalent in US foods, are outlawed. Genetically engineered food in Europe also must be labeled as such whereas in the US in it voluntary. I would recommend this book to anyone with children or just wants to be more informed with one caveat: I found her frequent references to herself as "Mama Bear" rather tiresome.

Yes, the way I ate changed after my marriage but added to knowledge I gained from these books has prompted me even more. One thing that has changed the most is how I look at processed foods: now I call them food-like substances that have a little natural food in them but they are mostly chemicals. With a few exceptions I make most of what we eat from scratch. We eat meat 2-3 times a week, and vegetarian the other nights. If I was a working mom pressed for time, I probably would not have changed to making everything from scratch. But as a stay at home mom, I have the time and, really, after I got used to it, it does not add that much time on to my day as long as I plan ahead. There was also the added benefit that our food expenditures have gone down.

Part III: Kids, coming soon

*Currently reading What to Eat
by Marion Nestle. I would call it a supermarket survival guide.

Food for Thought, part I

2009-09-26T15:34:00.021-06:00

Over the last four years, the way I cook and eat has changed. If I were to do just a straight comparison of what I ate in September of 2005 (that was the month of the chocolate fast concluded with the chocolate feast) and September of 2009, it would seem like a dramatic change but really it was a gradual change over four years.

Four years ago I mostly ate what was quick and easy. I tried to eat healthy with fruit, vegetables, and whole grains but between full time work and planning a wedding, I wanted quick meals. Due to that I ate out at least 3-5 times a week. My sister (who was my roommate at the time) and I did better in the cooking department when we actually planned out a weekly menu and especially when we used the slow cooker. We were both starving by the time we got home from work (we worked at the same place as well) . Today I spend on average 2-3 hours a day preparing and cooking food (some days it is less, some days it is more), I make almost everything from scratch and we rarely eat out. What caused the change? Three reasons: marriage, knowledge, and kids. First Marriage.

Marrying Brigham brought about the biggest change in how I cook and eat. In terms of food, Brigham and I come from two very different cultures. My mother is a wonderful cook and always made delicious food, I would even say gourmet food. But I also come from a family where meat, chicken, or fish was always the main course. I cannot recall ever having a meatless dinner at home; I think my father would have had a heart attack if meat of some type did not grace his dinner plate. We usually had fresh fruits and vegetables in the house and dinner always included at least one side of vegetables. When I left home to go to college I cut down on the amount of meat I ate mostly out of economic necessity and then out of preference. Since my mother was a good cook, I found pleasure in cooking and consuming good food. I like to experiment with new recipes, try new cuisines, and have an extensive spice collection.

Brigham, on the other hand, grew up in an environment where food was a necessity but did not have to be pleasurable-- it just needed to be edible and filling. Since he is one of thirteen children, this attitude is understandable. His mother did not have time nor the resources to devote to preparing food. His family made their own bread, it was the main staple (his dad told me that when all the kids were still at home they went through a ton of wheat in year and I mean a literal ton, 2000 pounds, of wheat); they had their own cow and made their own yogurt, ice cream and cheese; they ate a lot of soups because they were so filling (hence why Brigham prefers soups); fruits and vegetables were only fresh when they grew them or got them from a family member's garden and they canned extensively (and I mean extensively, 400 quarts each of peaches, tomatoes, and applesauce one canning season and that only to lasted 1 year); and they did not eat much meat and if they did have meat, they usually raised it themselves. Because of the way that Brigham ate growing up, he prefers lots of carbohydrates, preferably in the form of homemade bread (he hates store bought bread), soups, not much meat and not a lot of sugar (that is also for health reasons for his heart).

After our marriage, both Brigham and I, went through food culture shock. Before our marriage I had never been confronted with another's food culture. Yes, I had many roommates but what we ate and how we ate was our own business and usually did not coincide since we did not share food as extensively as is common in marriage. To say the merging of our two food cultures was contentious would be an understatement. What satisfied me did not satisfy him and neither of us could understand how they other was not satisfied by other's food preferences. And some foods that the other eats we just found strange. For example, bread and milk. This is bread crumbled up in a bowl with milk poured over it (it can be topped with jam or honey). I find it completely gross but I really don't like cereal with milk either. Brigham loves it. I cannot think of any food I eat that Brigham might find strange probably because he is too polite to mention it whereas I could not hide my disgust of bread and milk the first time I had it at his parent's house. I was also taken back by how ecstatic he and all his siblings were to have bread and milk for dinner. It was like they were being allowed a special treat for dinner, apparently it is everyone's favorite.

We also faced differences over food culture etiquette. In my family, if you were hungry, you went into the kitchen and fixed a snack. With a few restriction (usually just making sure something was not intended for dinner) we could eat whatever was in the kitchen. If a sibling or parent happened into the kitchen while preparing the snack, and they wanted some too, they would just ask the preparer to make a few for them as well. In Brigham's family, no one just helped themselves to a snack. If they were hungry, they had to ask if they could have a snack (it makes sense, it would not be prudent to allow a dozen or so kids have free reign over the food) and if they were making a snack they would also ask everyone else if they wanted some as well. So when we got married, if I was hungry, I just made myself something to eat and I usually did not ask Brigham if he wanted some. He knew I was fixing something. In my mind if he wanted some he would ask, after all that is how it worked in my family. If Brigham was hungry, he would ask me if he could eat something, I would say yes, then he would ask if I wanted some. If I said yes, he would make it, if I said no, he would just sit or stand looking hurt. He could not have a snack if I was not. After much discussion (often times loud) we came to agree that if I am making a snack I ask Brigham if he would like some as well, and if Brigham wants a snack he does not have to ask my permission and that he can have a snack even if I do not want one. This has worked well although he still does ask for my permission. However, this difference in food etiquette does still cause issues when we visit each other's families but I won't go into that now.

Over the years, I have learned to cook in a way to does satisfy both of us. In addition to making my own bread (Brigham did make it but he does not have time now that school has started), I make and can homemade jam and applesauce, and can tomatoes from the garden among other things. Brigham has learned to eat more vegetables and I have learned how to cook a lot of soups. So far it seems to be working although he always requests that I half the sugar whenever I make something that is even remotely sweet and he makes himself bread and milk at least once a week. I never take him up on his invitation to make me some as well. I still find it extremely gross.

Part II, of Food for Thought, Knowledge, will follow when within a few days.

My Favorite Fall Soup

2009-09-26T00:13:00.004-06:00

Brigham loves soups. Whenever I ask him what he wants for dinner he usually answers soup. It does not matter if it 100 degrees outside or a blizzard blowing, he always wants soup. I make a lot of soups. One of my favorite soups to make in the fall is "Yellow Pea Soup". It is made with yellow split peas, carrots, and butternut squash. But I have to confess, what I love the most about this soup is not its taste (although it is wonderful) but its brilliant yellow color. This soup freezes well so I double the recipe and freeze half of it for the days I just do not want to cook.

Yellow Pea Soup

4 TBSP olive oil or vegetable oil

2 onions, chopped

1 celery stalk, thinly sliced

1 large carrot, thinly sliced

1 medium sized turnip, dice (I use potatoes instead, I don't like turnips)

8 cups water (I also add in some vegetable bouillon, I think it gives the soup a deeper flavor)

half a butternut squash, peeled and cut into chunks (I have also used Hubbard squash and pumpkin with very delicious results, and a much more brilliant color than butternut squash)

1 1/2 cups of yellow split peas

1 sprig of thyme (or 1 tsp of dry thyme)

1 bay leaf

salt and pepper to taste

fresh parsley, chopped (optional)

1. heat the oil in large pot. Add onions and saute over medium heat until the onions turn soft. Add celery, carrot, and turnip (potato) and continue sauteing for another minute.

2. Add water, chunks of squash, split peas, thyme, bay leaf and parsley. cover the pot and bring the soup to a boil.

3. Cook soup slowly, over medium heat for 45 to 60 minutes or until peas are totally dissolved. Add salt and pepper. Stir well and simmer the soup for 10 minutes. Remove bay leaf. Depending on personal preference, serve immediately (it will be a little chunky) or puree in blender for a smoother soup. Or if you don't have a blender, just cook a little longer.

*This recipes comes from a cookbook I found at the library Twelve Months of Monastery Soups by Brother Victor D'Avila-Latourrett. It is a gem for soups.

One Year

2009-09-18T23:23:00.006-06:00

On Monday my little Anna turned 1 year old. I can hardly believe one year has passed since her birth. She is so sweet and gentle but with a temper (when set off) that matches her red hair perfectly. And yes, she inherited the temper from me. She is such a little lady. She loves playing in the garden,

Especially in the mud

and the water.

She rarely gets upset when James dumps things on her head, in fact she enjoys it.

One minute she was playing with the drum, and the next she was sound asleep.

My attempt at making a turtle birthday cake.

Anna thought is tasted yummy.

See, Yummy.

Picture of Happiness

2009-08-17T08:10:00.005-06:00

The last few months have been challenging for me: Brigham came home, we spent three months in Kentucky and then traveling around, our budget has been tight, and worries about whether work would be available for Brigham when we returned to Utah. The hardest challenge, much harder than I ever expected, was adjusting to Brigham being home. I am so happy he is home and James and Anna adore their father. I would love to take a picture to capture their excitement when he walks through the door after work; James drops whatever he is doing and shouts "Daddy!" and Anna starts crawling as fast as she can to him. The challenge has been to realize that I am no longer a "temporarily single mother." The temporary part has ended and that is good but I have mourned the loss of one aspect of Brigham's deployment: "me" time. I had ample time to myself to read, to watch movies, to work on projects. With Brigham gone there was also less house work to do, less laundry, less dirty dishes (I cook more elaborate meals for Brigham), less clutter. I had a schedule worked out, I stuck to it, and the kids very rarely got to bed late and I had 2-3 hours of "me" time. every night. But now, there is an abbreviated version of the schedule, the kids rarely get to bed on time and I have maybe 20 minutes to myself while Brigham showers.

That lack of "me" time has taken its toll. I need more time to myself than 20 minutes (especially since those 20 minutes are usually taken finishes last minute chores). I need more time to unwind and relax. Part of the problem is that Brigham does not understand the need for "me" time. It is a completely foreign concept to him. As one of 13 children, he was very rarely alone. He only had a room to himself for 2 semesters at school, other than that he has always shared a room with at least one other person but he is used to sharing a room with 5 brothers and a few cousins. I had my own room for most of the time I was growing up and was used to spending hours by myself in it. James and Anna do take about a 2 hour nap in the afternoon but that is when I work out and start the dinner preparations: it is so much easier to prepare dinner without two kids constantly tugging at me or refereeing because James' favorite game, currently, is pushing Anna down when she tries to stand or walk. But I think I have found the solution: I get with Brigham at 6:30 am (he leaves for work at 7) then I have an hour or more to myself until the kids wake up around 8.

It is now 840 in the morning, the kids are still asleep (I need to wake them up otherwise they won't take a nap) and I feel more relaxed having an hour or so to myself.

I got some more pictures from my friend, the wonderful photographer, Amy. This picture is my all time favorite of Brigham and I. It reminded me, despite the challenges we face in our marriage, we are happy.

Family Photos

2009-08-14T09:21:00.003-06:00

Last night we drove up to Albion Basin, past Snowbird, to have some family photos taken by my good friend Amy Brown. I have admired her photography for years but she lives in Boston. When I found out she was going to be in Utah for a few weeks, I jumped at the chance to have her photograph my family. I think these are the best photos I have ever had taken of me and the family. I cannot wait to see more over the next couple of days. It is going to be extremely hard to decide when photographs to order.

Of Mice and Men

2009-07-30T16:07:00.002-06:00

Yesterday Brigham returned home from scout camp with a few stowaways it appears. As Brigham was placing his tent and sleeping back in the truck of his car he noticed not one, not two but six, SIX, mice scurrying for cover. I had never heard of mice infesting cars before but we quickly tried to get rid of them. So far one mouse made his escape in the Wal-mart parking lot when Brigham stop to purchase traps, one escaped in our drive to try his luck against the neighborhood snakes and cats (we always have at least one snake in our garden which way I don't go out there as often as I should), and three has perished in the traps. One is left; one lonely mouse who stares at Brigham in defiance when he opens the trunk to check the traps.

I have nothing against mice; I like them better than snakes. But given the choice I would rather have snakes in the garden than mice in the car. Since Brigham will going camping at least once a month as Scoutmaster we have been learning how to prevent picking up more stowaways each time he goes camping. Strong scented dryer sheets and moth balls apparently repel mice. We will be putting that to the test.

America the Beautiful

2009-07-29T15:19:00.005-06:00

In the last five months we have driven from one end of the country to the other. Right after Brigham returned we drive from Utah to California in order to catch a flight to Hawaii. Then in April we drove from Utah to Kentucky for Brigham externship. Following the externship we visited family in Maryland and New Jersey before driving back to Utah. It was a lot of driving and somedays were hard with two little kids but I enjoyed myself. While in college I worked for an airline and except for an occasional road trip between Utah and San Diego, I mostly flew everywhere. I had forgotten how much I actually like road trips.

I like traveling through states and locations I have never been before. I like seeing the scenes and how the terrain gradually changes. It also reminded me what a beautiful, vast, and diverse country I live in. I was amazed at the wide open spaces. Any one who thinks the world is overpopulated should visit Kansas. Cities are over populated, not the world. Brigham and I often felt like we were sight seeing with an intention to move. As he will be graduated next April, we are trying to figure out where we want to live. All we know for sure is East. Neither of us like living in Utah and we don't want to move back to California. So as we drove we thought, "Would want to live in this State?"

Of the numerous states we drive through, we only ruled out three: Missouri (or at least southern Missouri), Pennsylvania, and West Virgina. Why these three states? Well, Missouri and Pennsylvania were ruled out strictly base on their billboards. Yes, we judged a state by its billboards. West Virginia, while absolutely stunning, was ruled out because of the deep ravines would make it difficult to run a hobby farm. Brigham's goal in attending law school has always been to make enough money to support a family and a hobby farm. He wants land that we can have a large garden, a fruit orchard and a few animals. Hopefully by December we will have a better idea of where we will be going and I can finally move out of limbo, i.e. Utah.

One thing that I noticed on our travels that concerned me, was the lack of wheat fields. We drove through fields of corn and soybeans galore but only a few wheat fields. Any foreigner would think Americans only ate corn and soybeans (and if you read the ingredients on most processed food, that's not far from the truth). No wonder the price of wheat has gone up.

How to eat an apple

2009-07-23T16:12:00.002-06:00

Yummy!!!!

I love Anna's expressive face.

2 months in a nutshell

2009-06-28T11:42:00.013-06:00

What we are doing in Kentucky

It has been a while since I have updated the blog but I have a very good excuse; we don’t have Internet at the house we are staying at and I can only access the Internet at my in-laws and I do not have time to compose a blog while there and during the day Brigham has the laptop so I cannot even write a blog to post later. For some odd reason Brigham does not want me to be on the computer while he is home, he wants me to pay attention to him!

We have been in Kentucky about two months and we love being here. Brigham is doing an externship/internship with an attorney out here who is also a state senator, Dan Kelly. An externship means that Brigham works for free but earns school credit. An internship is paid. While Brigham works for Senator Kelly at the law office, it is an externship. But for two weeks Senator Kelly was in a special session of state legislation and Brigham worked as a paid intern at the state capital. Since Senator Kelly is the Senate majority leader, this means that he is very busy with committee meeting and other such things and Brigham, as his intern, is also very busy. But overall, Brigham is enjoying his time out here and has learned much more about the law than he has in school. It is probable that we may move to Kentucky when Brigham graduates next year.

At first I was not sure about whether I would want to live in Kentucky. We are in the country and I am a city girl. The closet mall is an hour away. But I have grown to love driving narrow country roads with cow pastures and fields of growing crops all around. Kentucky is beautiful with lush green rolling hills and I love the quiet. I am so sick of living between a busy street and railroad tracks with their constant noise night and day. I am also sick of feeling like I am living in limbo waiting for our lives to start, when we can buy a house and start creating the home we want instead making do with the house we rent. In Kentucky we can actually afford to buy a house with land, lots of land. The other day as we were walking through town we saw a house for sale: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, finished basement on 4 acres, for $180,000. In the 6 weeks we have been here, Kentucky feels more like home to us than Utah. Actually Utah has never truly felt like home to us, especially me.

James and Anna

James and Anna also love being in Kentucky. They love the aunts, uncles and grandparents who spoil them with attention. Anna has learned to crawl and eagerly wants to walk so she can chase after her brother. James is talking more and more each day. His new favorite word is temple. Any time we pass a church he excitedly shouts out "Temple!" He has also started calling me by name but not "Mommy" as I have long hoped for but "Cassy." I guess it is better than nothing.

One thing that James loves out here is all the animals. Every day we drive passed pastures with cows and horses. There are birds of all types everywhere. We have a family of bunnies in our backyard and we often come a cross turtles in the road trying to get to the other side. He also likes that his grandparents have a cow and several alpacas in the pasture behind their house. He often escapes from the house to run through the pasture. He will miss this freedom when we return to Utah.

Trip to San Diego
At the beginning of June we took a trip to San Diego to visit my family as all my siblings would be there at that time to say good-bye to my youngest sister and her husband before they moved to Korea and to meet my new darling niece Isabel. We had a wonderful time there playing on the beach and just spending time together. This will be the last time my family will be together until my sister returns from Korea in two years.

What's Next
We have about another week in Kentucky and then we are going to DC to visit Brigham's brother and then to New Jersey to visit my brother. From there we head home to Provo . I wanted to post pictures of our time out here but for some reason they are not uploading. I have posted them on Facebook for now and hopefully soon I can post some on here.

Uncle Jonathan

2009-05-26T15:40:00.002-06:00

We have been in Kentucky for almost a month and are settled into a house that Brigham's parents own about 5 miles away from them. James and Anna are getting very spoiled by grandma and grandpa and their 4 aunts and 1 uncle. James adores his uncle Jonathan. One day I hope to get a picture of this but let me paint of picture of why James like Jonny so much. Jonny is now 6 feet tall and still growing and very lanky; he is all legs. He reminds me of skittish colt in many ways, shy and trying to figure out what to do with his long limbs but always growing before he can get too comfortable. I describe Jonathon becauce more often than not I will find James riding high on his shoulders strolling through the pasture with 1 cow and 27 alpacas to check on his garden. Now Jonny does not enter the pasture through a gate but jumps over the fence with James riding on his shoulders. One day I will get of picture of this, I just need to remember to bring my camera with me and try to get the skittish colt to let me take of picture of him.

Blog Help

2009-04-24T14:14:00.001-06:00

Does any one know how I can center the header picture? I can't figure it out. Please help.

There's just something about Anna

2009-04-24T10:06:00.007-06:00

I love James. He is the best little boy there could be. I love that he is 110% boy despite his fascination with my makeup (of course, he applies makeup like war paint when he does get his hands on it). I love that he will watch Jane Austen movies with me and find them just as enthralling as Pixar. I love how he tries to figure out the world and how physical he is and loves moving his body.

I love him with all my heart....but there is something about Anna.

Maybe it is because she still a baby and needs me so much more than James. Maybe it is because when I pick her up she melts into my arms and is content to stay there forever (James always fights to be put down even when he was a few months old). Maybe it is because she is so smiley and happy almost all the time.

Maybe because when I am upset or frustrated just looking at her or holding her calms my souls and makes me happy. Whatever it is, there is just something about Anna....

I think I am addicted to her.

Sharing time

2009-04-21T11:20:00.005-06:00

Now that Anna is sitting up on her own, James is interested in playing with her. But James also needs to learn how to share. If Anna picks up something that he also wants he takes it from her, sometimes knocking her over. So we have been trying to learn to share.

Anna was nice enough to let James play in her exersaucer.

James let Anna play on his back hoe.

Anna was having so much fun that she invited James to come hang out at her crib.

This is now their favorite hang out.

Happy Birthday to James

2009-04-11T19:53:00.005-06:00

Yesterday, April 10th, was James' 2nd birthday. He was very excited for the day especially since his daddy was able to stay home all day with him.

He loves to play with Anna especially since she is getting better at sitting up and playing with him in return.

We took James to Discovery Gateway. He had fun trying to get paper to fly

and making music.

This was James' cake which turned out so much better than last year. Brigham and I were up until 1 am the night before decorating it.

It took a while for James to blow out the candles but eventually he got both out.

This was much easier than using a spoon.

I think James had a fun day.

Two

2009-04-09T15:40:00.014-06:00

James Patrick was born April 10, 2007. He was 7 lb. 11 oz and 21 inches long.

Tomorrow James turns two. He is now a whooping 32 pounds and about 35 inches tall. Where did the time go?!

I still feel like I just brought James home from the hospital, despite having a seven month old.

See, cute 7 month old, now back to James.

For the last two years I fallen head over heels in love with my sweet James, over and over again. I love his laugh and his smile.

I love his voice and the way his says words (I especially love how he says daddy and Jesus, "Zezus"). I love how he moves his body, so free, so joyful, without self consciousness or embarassment.

I love to watch him observe the world and to learn from it.

I love how he loves books and pictures.

I love his hugs and kisses. I love to watch him with Anna. He is a wonderful big brother.

And I love his big beautiful brown eyes.

And with all the pictures I have taken of James and Brigham, this is still my all time favorite. James is five months old and everytime I see it melts my heart.

Hot, Hot

2009-04-02T10:40:00.002-06:00

Yesterday morning James climbed into bed with me and as usual his hands were cold. I was still very snug and warm and just barely awake. James put his cold hands on my warm arm and shoulder and said "Hot, hot" and then blew on them to cool them off. He did this several more times until I was laughing and wide awake.

Baker's Man

2009-04-01T10:50:00.004-06:00

Before Brigham returned home, James and I would eat a loaf of bread every 2-3 weeks, on average I was spending between $2.50-5.00 a month on bread. Now that Brigham has returned, however, that has changed drastically. Brigham can eat 2-3 loaves of bread a week. That’s $20.00-30.00 a month just on bread!! Thankfully Brigham grew up in a large family where they baked bread twice a week and he learned how to make very good homemade bread. Last week Brigham made five loaves and had an eager apprentice to help.

James helping to add flour. He just kept scooping it in.

The only apron that fit James. I need to make him one of his own. Do you like Brigham's bunny slippers? I gave to him for Christmas a few years ago. He jokingly told me that the only slippers he would only wear are bunny slippers thinking they could not possibly be made in his size. Well they are! I was nice and got him gray ones instead of pink.

Kneading the bread.

More kneading.

Washing up!

The Bread

Hawaiian Vacation Part II

2009-03-31T10:52:00.007-06:00

After spending about four days with my sister and her husband on O'hua we flew to the Big Island. We stayed in Kileaua National Park at a lodge the military maintains there for their members. We had a very nice one bedroom cottage. We spent our time on the Big Island hiking around the volcano, driving around the coast, spending some time at the beach, and one night we went up the observataroy. Brigham loves to look at the stars.

Hiking through a crater at Kileaua National Park

Through some rain forests in the National Park

At another crater

Brigham and Anna at the black sand beach

James playing the sand he actually went straight into the water this time, unfortunately he was not wearing a swimsuit.

At Akua Falls

This is at South Point which apparently is the southern most point of the United States.

Brigham and James at South Point

After the big Island we flew back to O'hau and spent two more days with my sister and husband. Anna loved her aunt's red necklace.

Hawaiian vacation Part I

2009-03-31T10:29:00.005-06:00

Four days after Brigham returned from Afghanistan, we took a family vacation to Hawaii. We visited my sister who lives on O'hua and then went to the Big Island for five days. We had a wonderful time and it was a great way to get to know each other again without the stress of everyday life.

Brigham and Anna playing in the water. James used to love the beach but he refused to go into the water this time and just wanted to play in the sand. But after he saw Brigham and I swimming for a while he ran took off from his aunt Liz and came in with us.

Anna was doing a wonderful job sitting up until she face planted in the sand. Being the angel she is, the sand did not bother her.

James liked two things at the Polynesian Cultural Center: the drums and the hula dancers.

Anna with her Aunt Lizzie. We discovered on this trip that Anna is a terrible flirt. The object of her affection was my sister's husband, David. Luckily Liz is not the jealous type.

The Surreal Life

2009-03-21T14:02:00.005-06:00

Brigham has been home from Afghanistan for three weeks and things still feel somewhat surreal and that feeling has only intensified since returning from Hawaii. Each day has a kind of shapeless, dream-like quality to it as we try to find a new family groove. This feeling is aided by the additional clutter around the house (i.e. his unpacked military bags that we have no clue what to do with) that make it difficult for me to try to get back into a routine of housekeeping. Added to this is relearning how to cook enough food for Brigham. I forgot just how much he can eat. I am so used to cooking for myself and James and throwing out a lot of leftovers each week because we just couldn't eat it all. But now...there are no leftovers! and Brigham asks what else is there to eat! I am also trying to adjust to sharing a bed again. I got so used to having a big bed to myself and I have to admit, the one perk to having a husband deployed while pregnant is having a bed to oneself.

One of the biggest adjustment is to stop feeling like things are back to "normal" when he is gone from the house. I still feel like he is only home for a short time and will soon have to leave again for a long time. So things will be surreal until I can find the new normal.

New Camera

2009-02-24T00:01:00.004-07:00

I got a new camera today. In an effort to learn how to operate it, I took many many pictures of James and Anna. I need to find time how to read the manual but even without quite knowing how to use the camera the pictures still turn out so beautiful...

Comparisons

2009-02-07T22:01:00.006-07:00

When I moved to California about four years ago, I convinced my sister to come live with me. She had just graduated from BYU and wanted to take a year off before starting grad school. We lived together for almost a year even after I got married (I surprising got engaged four days after she moved in and since Brigham left for training 3 weeks after we got married Liz stayed on as my roommate. It is a sad fact that by the time Brigham returns we will have spent more of our marriage apart than together).

Anyways during that time Liz and I worked for the same company but in different departments. We were constantly asked if we were twins and some people even said they could not tell us apart! While there is a strong family resemblance we do not look that much alike. I can catalog how Liz and I look different: I have a higher forehead, my eyes are bigger and blue, hers are stormy grey, she has higher cheekbones and dimples, our chins are different, she is two inches taller and is a living Barbie doll and so on. But despite our differences we do look very much alike. I think that when one knows someone really well they see the parts that make up the whole whereas strangers or slight acquaintance see the whole. Maybe thats why I still have trouble telling Brigham's twin sisters apart; I haven't gotten to know them well enough yet!

It is the same with James and Anna. People tell me they look alike but I don't always see. I have memorized every part of my babies. I see how their features are different: James has an oval face with Brigham's ears and Anna has a round face with my ears, their noses are different, Anna has fuller lips, their eyes are the same shape but James has brown eyes and Anna's are gray. I can even tell that their skin differs in texture. Occasionally Anna or James will have some facial expression or a movement that strongly reminds me of the other and I can see the resemblance. Tonight I looked at some of James' baby photos when he was about the age Anna is now and I can see resemblance so much clearer.

I still can't get over how much hair James has! Even at 5 months. Anna's has a lot of hair too but she looks bald compared to James.

(One guess at who dressed James. Hint: it wasn't me!)

They both love the play gym.

And some things don't change

Let the Countdown Begin

2009-01-31T22:32:00.001-07:00

Today I starting counting down. Okay, so I have been counting down since the day Brigham left but can it be a countdown when I only had a vague ideal of when Brigham might return, sometime at the end of February beginning of March, and the dreaded possibility that the powers that be in the their very finite wisdom decide to extend his deployment? But now I know when he will return or at least a generally ideal, nothing is for sure in the military until it actually happens. Today the unit that is replacing Brigham's arrived. Tomorrow he starts training his replacement. Bags and trunks are being packed. Soon he will have to shave his beard and cut his hair and then home he comes. For those who might be wondering what Brigham looks like with a beard here's a picture:

Some important things to notice about the picture: the beard, the job he does for the military encourages him to grow one and he has been asked if he is Afghanie; he is wearing about 100 pounds of body armor and other equipment (good, I like to know my favorite body is well protected); skull cap (bad, I can't see how long his hair grown supposedly it is longer than I have ever seen it), M-16 slung casually at his side (good but I am glad that it does not come home with him), and most important, the wedding ring prominently displayed on the hand holding the helmet (I point this out because I am glad he is holding the helmet, he looks really funny wearing it since it is too small for his head, and I'm very possessive I am glad to see that my property.... umm, I mean husband.. is clearly tagged with ownership). In about 4 weeks I reclaim my dishwasher from the army!

Dress Up

2009-01-26T23:38:00.004-07:00

So I finally dressed James in the Afghanie outfit Brigham bought him and took him to church. I think he looks dashing in his silver vest.

Mascara

2009-01-26T22:10:00.013-07:00

In addition to loving lotion, James also loves makeup. Yes, makeup. This adds another level of difficulty for me to get ready in the morning. As soon as he hears me unzip the makeup bag, he is at my side trying to grab whatever he can from the bag. His personal favorite is mascara. He is also surprisingly good at snitching the mascara despite my best efforts and then I have to chase him around the house to get it back. Then he screams and cries at the top of his lungs until he can steal the mascara again! Now, if he just wanted the mascara to hold I would not have a problem with his taking it but he wants to unscrew the top and try to put it on.

This was James' first attempt at applying makeup. Being the good mother than I am I cleaned him up and then tried to teach him how to apply makeup properly.

James was a good sport but James refused to hold still so this was the best I could do. For a while I thought his "make over" cured him of this obsession with my makeup since he left it alone.

Over Christmas James rediscovered his love of makeup when he learned that lipstick, in addition to being face paint, makes an excellent medium to practice drawing. Luckily he contains his artistic expressions to the bathroom tile. Since returning from California James redoubled his efforts to get into the makeup. I have to hang my makeup from the dresser mirror to keep it out of his reach and today I found him trying to maneuver a chair up to the dresser. Luckily, his chair was too low to allow him to climb up. Unfortunately, he now throws full out tantrums when I take the mascara away from him or keep it out of his reach while getting ready. My solution: I bought him his own makeup! Just some clear lip gloss which I keep with my makeup and hand him when I get ready in the morning. Since I don't have to chase him around the house it now only takes me 5 minutes to ready instead of 30! And lip gloss is much easier to wash off.

I had forgotten, however, that I had a bottle of mascara in my gym bag which James found this morning while Anna and I dozed. I guess I should be happy that he did not poke his eye out or try applying the mascara to another surface. But it was waterproof mascara and I had just run out of eye makeup remover. Sigh. But he does have beautiful eyes.

Should I laugh or cry

2009-01-13T22:18:00.006-07:00

James likes lotion. He likes having it rubbed onto his skin and he especially likes getting a dab of lotion on his own hands to rub together. He likes it so much that I have to keep all the lotion bottles as high up as I possibly can because if he does get his hands on a bottle he immediately twists off the top and starts pouring the lotion into his hands and onto the floor.

Today, when I went to get James up from his nap I noticed a very strong smell coming from his bedroom. Opening the door I found this:

That white substance is not lotion nor is it powder...it is Desitin (diaper rash ointment) which has a very strong odor. James apparently thought was lotion. I don't want to know how he got it so thoroughly all over himself .

Now Desitin's main purpose is to keep moisture away from the skin which means it does not wash off easily. In fact this stuff is near IMPOSSIBLE to remove. After TWO baths, washing his hair SIX times, and scrubbing his face and body with a wet washcloth and a dry one several times I finally got most of the Desitin off him. However, there is still a white film on his face and a residue in his hair making it very stiff.

Then there is the matter of his clothes. The jeans, thankfully, were Desitin-free after one wash. But his shirt, his cute new hoodie that his Aunt Lizzie gave him for Christmas and wore for the first time today, was still permeated with the ointment after three washes. It is now soaking in the sink overnight but I fear the hoodie is irretrievably ruined. The skin and clothes were not the only things that got lathered in Desitin. He also got it all over his sheets, several stuffed animals, and this...

Yup, that's right the carpet. Do you know how long I scrubbed at that carpet!? Did I mention that this stuff is IMPOSSIBLE to remove? I scrubbed and scrubbed and still it remains. Oh, and the primary ingredient is zinc oxide which apparently bleaches. We are definitely not getting our deposit back. But the worst part is that entire house still smells like Desitin.

On the bright side, Anna is still absolutely adorable

And James tried hard to make me feel better.
I do have to admit, when I first saw James walk out of the bedroom covered in white I had to laugh.

Chocolate Fast

2009-01-07T23:04:00.011-07:00

A few years ago my sister, Liz, and I went on a chocolate fast for 6 weeks. Liz and I were roommates at the time and we thought it would be a good idea to help us kick our chocolate addiction. Of course we also planned to end our chocolate fast with a chocolate feast! The feast was amazing! We invited several friends to join us in our feast. Since our table was pathetic we moved it out of the way, put a tablecloth on the floor and had a picnic in the living room. The menu included chocolate fondue with fruit, cheesecake, cookie dough, cinnamon bears and more goodies to dip, we had a peanut soup and salad to help cleanse the palate and we finished off with a Skor cake it all its ooey, gooey goodness.

Now 3 1/2 later, I am going back on a chocolate fast because I definitely have a major chocolate addiction that sabotages my efforts to lose the rest of the baby weight. So from the time I get back to Utah on Friday until Brigham comes home I will be abstaining from chocolate. My reward should I succeed in this momentous undertaking is the pasta maker attachment for my kitchenaid, and if Brigham's return flight stops over in the right location, some European chocolates.

A few of my favorite things

2009-01-05T01:33:00.013-07:00

For the last several years I have not bothered to set New Year’s resolutions. Since I have never accomplished one resolution that I have set to date, I see no reason to continue making resolutions that I know I will never fulfill. Oh, I have things that I want to accomplish like losing the rest of the baby weight, eating better, updating James’ baby book and starting one for Anna, running a half-marathon, learning how to make homemade raviolis and learning how to sew but these seem to be the resolutions I set every year. So this year I am only setting one resolution and I think I will accomplish it: to enjoy a few of my favorite things more.

Reading: Okay, so I really don’t need any encouragement to enjoy reading more but lately I have been feeling unsatisfied with my reading choices. Since I worked so hard for a master’s in Children’s Literature I try to stay abreast what is new and what books are considered the top contenders for the various awards and medals in young adult and children’s literature. Young adult novels are my favorite type of books to read. Before I had kids I used to go on a “search” through bookstores where I spent an hour or two wandering through the young adult section to find books that interested me. After writing down the titles I would try to find them at the library. But with two kids (one who loves to run through the bookstore tearing books off the shelves) searching for new books to read in this manner has not been a viable option so I rely on book reviews and book suggestions from a Children’s literature listserv. While many of the books I read this last year were great, unfortunately, I read too many in a row that I just did not like and now I am burned out on young adult novels. So I am recouping by reading a genre I have neglected until now: mystery. Since I am a newbie to mystery novels I started with the premiere mystery writer, Agatha Christie. So far I am enjoying her books greatly. After reading my fill of mystery novels I think I shall revisit some favorite classic novels and read a few new ones. And I will return to young adult novels with a new test to apply to books I find through book reviews and suggestions: if it is not a book I would normally chose during a “search” at a bookstore, don’t read it!

Running: I enjoy running and not only because it helps me stay (or return to being) fit. It does not matter how fast I run (or in my case, how slow), it does not matter if someone passes me, or how many miles I run. All that matters is that I do run and do the best I can on each run. There is also something gratifying about rhythm of running; the even strides hitting the pavement, the swing of the arms moving in pace to the legs, amazement that my body can actually run that far and most of all, the backdrop of the run, outside. I did not like running until I moved to Boston. As I ran along the Charles River and through the various parks, trails, and neighborhoods I fell in love with running through that city. I remember dragging myself out of bed too early on freezing Saturday mornings to meet Heidi at Harvard Square for our weekly long run along the Charles over the salt and pepper bridge through the Commons and Public Garden and back to Harvard on the other side of the river. I loved running down the Emerald Necklace or up the massive hill at Tufts to drop down through the quite streets of Medford. And I loved watching the seasons gradually change on my runs from the cold, barren winter, to the sudden blossoming of spring which hurriedly turned into a lush summer then transform into a vibrant autumn. I miss running Boston.

When I moved to Monterey, one of the first things I wanted to find was a new running partner and I was surprised how quickly I found one. While I missed running with Heidi (I still do), I loved this running partner so much that we agreed to be running partners for the rest of our lives. Running is how Brigham and I started dating. We had been on a date or two before we actually started running together but it was running that really got things moving. He would come to my apartment early on Saturday (I lived two blocks from the beach) and we would run along trail that followed the shoreline through Cannery Row, passed the aquarium to Lover’s Point and on to Asilomar State Park. Since I was trying hard to impress Brigham and he me, neither of us would admit that we were tired or wanted to stop so that 10 or 12 or even 15 miles would pass by before we arrived back at my apartment. Our mileage dropped drastically after we got engaged. In Boston and Monterey there was no such thing as a bad run, the run itself might not be good but the scenery was beautiful. I miss that running in Utah. The mountains are beautiful but I am not running through them; they just loom over there in the east usually not in my line of sight as I run through uniform blocks as I try to stay alert to oblivious drivers in my vicinity. So this year I want to find places to run with good scenery in Provo.

Cooking: I like reading cook books and cooking magazines. I like planning menus and making shopping lists. I even like going to the grocery store with two kids in tow. I love making and cooking new dishes especially complicated ones and I love eating them! I really want to learn how to make homemade pasta but after the back hurting work I experienced last year making raviolis I think I will wait on that until I can afford to buy the pasta maker attachment to my Kitchenaid. Since pasta making is on hold this year I think I will focus on learning how to cook authentic Middle Eastern food. I love the aromas of the spices and the bold flavors of this cuisine. A few days ago while I was running I remembered a Persian dish of baked apples stuffed with meat and herbs that I made a few years ago. Ohhh was it good! I need to find the recipe so I can make it again. It is so worth all the work and the expensive saffron.

James and Anna:

If I could, I would bottle the sound of James’ mischievous laugh mixed with the patter of his feet as his runs away that turns into a squeal of delight as I give chase because he has made off with my cell phone once again. I have tried recording it. I have tried videoing it. But nothing completely captures the sheer glee of it.

And next to that bottle of James’ laugh I would put Anna’s gurgling laugh and her sweet babble as she tries to tell me what she is thinking. Even at 3 months she has a lot to say. Then twenty years from now when my babies have left to start living their lives apart from me I will take down my jars and listen to the sound of pure unadulterated joy and remember why I love being their mother.

Brigham:

Brigham is definately my favorite husband, which is good since he is the only one I plan on having. This year I want to just enjoy being with Brigham. That should not be hard since he will actually be around this year! What I like most about being married to Brigham is that he makes my other favorite things even more pleasurable. I am looking forward to reading books with him and telling him about the books I am reading. I will get to fall in love with running with him all over again as we try to find running trails with good scenery (to be honest I am also soooo excited to have him push the double running stroller. James and Anna are heavy!) I want to make the stuffed apples for Brigham. I want to try to cook new recipes and old favorites for Brigham. I love cooking but it so much nicer to cook for someone who will appreciate my efforts instead of just throwing the food on the floor because he thinks its funny (toddlers!). And I will actually get to have a conversation with an adult during dinner. What a novel idea! Most of all, my favorite time of day will return. Around 4:30 or 5, James will start looking out the window, then laugh in delight when he sees his daddy turn onto our street. Then, while I cook dinner Brigham will play with James and Anna and once more I will hear the “daddy laugh” in my home. This is what I call James’ laugh when he is playing with his daddy. I would bottle several gallons of this laugh if I could. James’ mischievous laugh is delightful and joyous but it does not hold a candle to the daddy laugh. I also have a feeling that James’ daddy laugh will soon be mingled with Anna’s. Then when dinner is in the oven or simmering on the stove I will stand quietly in the doorway and just watch my darling children play with their equally darling daddy.

Its Not Fair

2008-12-24T23:42:00.016-07:00

For almost a year I have basically been an only parent. I have coped with my son's tantrums, soothed his nightmares, borne his crankiness, wiped his tears, read him books until hoarse, slaved in the kitchen to make healthy and delicious food only to have him throw it on the floor or smear it all over his face or both, I have changed hundreds of diapers, planned activities to the pool or park or a playground, let him play in mud, cleaned up his messes, and nursed him when sick with very little complaint. But I do have one major complaint that I must, well, complain about. I have yet to hear the most cherished word that I long to hear from my son's lips: Mommy.

IT IS NOT FAIR.

He says daddy. In fact, daddy is his favorite word. Several times a day James participates in what I call the daddy parade: he walks around the house pointing at all the pictures of Brigham saying "daddy" (this is said in a high voice with his voice rising an octave on "dy"). Don't get me wrong, I love the daddy parade. I especially love that the best way to interrupt a tantrum or stop him crying is to show James a picture of Brigham and ask him "Who's this?" He always brightens and says daddy. Then he wants to hold the picture and he looks at it so lovingly. This always gives me a bittersweet kind of relief, relief that it stops his crying, happiness that James knows his daddy and loves him but sadness that James misses him. I am not sad that James misses his daddy but sad that he has to miss him. When Brigham calls he says over and over "Daddy, daddy" while he talks to him.

(James is talking to his daddy)

But it is not this that I find unfair. No, what I find unfair is that on my birthday instead of hearing that cherished word "Mommy" James said "grandpa!" and then today, once again instead of "mommy" I heard "Grandma" and something that sounded like "Baba" which was directed at my sister Bobbi. That I find unfair. After only a few days in their company and he is saying their names while I, who has been with him nearly 24/7, remains unnamed by him. But I will try not to be bitter. However, if James has not said Mommy by the time Brigham comes home I will be absolutely devastated and will only be consoled by someone else doing the dishes for the next six months at the very least.

Deck the Halls

2008-12-19T00:56:00.018-07:00

To say my mother loves to decorate for Christmas is an understatement. All of her decorations would completely fill my one of the bedrooms my house but only if all the furniture was moved out first! She has a big ‘Noel’ sign in the front yard in addition to a big lighted train on the other end of the yard, snowflakes hang down from trellis, Christmas bears adorn the bookcases, Christmas dolls sit a in their own sleigh near the front door which is adorn with wreath, several nativity sets are found throughout the house, the coffee table has four of the Hallmark singing snowman, Christmas throw blankets and pillows are on the couches, and Christmas nightlights light up the hall. It is amazing to see the house decorated in all its Christmas splendor. And she does not have all of her decoration out because of the James (a human wreaking ball waiting to happen).

(Christmas Nightlight)

Somehow, I did not receive the excess holiday decorating gene that mother passed on to my sister Liz. I love decorations when they are up but I it is too much effort on my part to put them up myself. But I wonder if that is more because I have always come to parents or Brigham's for Christmas instead of staying at my own house and the fact that I do not have anyplace to store decorations after Christmas. Not to mention having the aforementioned human wrecking ball. But yesterday, for the first time since I left for college, I arrived at my parent's house in time to decorate the Christmas tree. As I pulled the ornaments out of their boxes I took a trip through memory lane. There were the ornaments I remember my mother painting when I was 4 or 5, the homemade ornaments made by my grandfather’s cousin (she lived with my grandparents until she passed away so she is part of all my childhood memories), there were the ornaments made by me and my siblings in grade school, and then there are the vacation ornaments.

The vacation ornaments are a family tradition that originated with my family’s grand tour of United States (a five week trip in a minivan around the country) when I was twelve years old when my mother started collecting ornaments from the places we visited. As I uncovered these ornaments from their boxes I remembered that trip around the nation to the Tetons, Yellowstone, Mount Rushmore, Nauvoo, Niagara Falls, Washington DC, Walt Disney World, and the Alamo. Since that vacation my siblings and I have kept up the tradition, we all purchase ornaments to send to our parents when we travel someplace new. So I also unwrapped the Lladro dove representing a family vacation to Spain, a Boston Tea Party ornament from a trip my mom, sister and I took to Boston a few years before I moved there, a blown glass ornament from a trip my parents and I took to Venice, the Eskimo ornament I brought back from my trip Alaska to visit a friend, a kilted Santa my parents bought in Scotland, one from Puerto Rico my parents purchased while there for my brother’s wedding reception, and there was even an ornament from Charleston, SC where my husband and I spent our honeymoon. As I decorated the tree and remembered ornaments from my childhood and vacations we had taken, I realized that I wanted my children to have the same types of memories decorating for Christmas. So I will need to find a place to store Christmas decorations and find creative ways to make my own decorations with my children's help. Of course actually staying at my own home to celebrate Christmas for once might help motivate me to decorate.

Tonight I took James and Anna to visit Santa at a Santa’s village put on by a man who takes Christmas even more seriously than my mother. I have known this man and his wife since high school; I remember staying at his house for Youth conference one year. He and his wife piled the kitchen island with every kind of junk food and basically gave 15 young women the run of the house while he and his wife stayed in the guest house. Every year for the last 15 years he has turned his house into Santa’s Village complete with Santa and Mrs. Claus and invites anyone to come visit. People come from all over San Diego. Not only can kids sit on Santa’s lap, but every child can chose a toy from his bag. James was fascinated by the huge Merry Christmas clock and did not want to sit on Santa's lap. Anna had no such reservations. I was just happy that it was warm out (although all the people who actually live in San Diego thought it was cold).

3 Months already

2008-12-14T22:05:00.003-07:00

I cannot believe that Anna is three months old today. It seems like she just joined my little family while at the same time I cannot imagine how I ever lived without her. She is so sweet and mellow. I thought James was an easy baby but she puts him to shame. I love her smiles, gurgles, and little laugh.

James and Jesus

2008-12-13T15:47:00.002-07:00

James has a limited but growing vocabulary. For several weeks now he has been saying "Jesus" everytime he sees a depiction of the Savior. A few days ago he started saying his own name. The problem is that both James and Jesus start with a "J" and end with a "S" so that at times it is very difficult to figure out which name he is saying.

Christmas Lights

2008-12-12T23:22:00.001-07:00

Tonight James, Anna and I along with Brigham's two sisters went to see the lights on Temple Square. James loved the lights and was quiet pleased to have both Aunt Amanda and Aunt Rachel showering him with attention, chasing him around, and swinging him between them as they walked. I am extermely grateful they were there to chase him around otherwise I am sure I would have lost him or had a very grumpy boy stuck inside a stroller. Brigham will be happy to finally see pictures of me with James and Anna.

Alone

2008-12-07T22:34:00.000-07:00

Being alone has never really bothered me, I actually like it, especially when my children are asleep. And I can handle loneliness, or so I thought. But there is nothing more lonely then packing a box to mail with a Christmas present to mail to my husband because he will not be with me on Christmas, or my birthday four days before Christmas or our anniversary three days after Christmas. At least when my daughter was born he was on the phone with me. But to think of spending those three days without him... Oh, we will talk on the phone but it is not the same. And I know that it will be worse for him. I at least have the children to hug and play with while he has an M-16 in a country far far away and then I think of everything that he has missed: our sons first steps, his first birthday, watching him grow and learn everyday, physically being there for the birth of our daughter, not holding her until she was three weeks old and not being able to hold her again until she will be six months old. I could go on but it makes me cry.

The Joys of Dirt

2008-05-06T13:33:00.000-06:00

Since having a child, I have noted a sad lack of parks in the area we live. And the ones that are nearby (closest is a 1/2 mile walk across two busy streets) are, quite frankly, pathetic. Over the past two months I have also noticed that not one park in a 15 mile radius have a sandbox. What is a childhood without sandboxes? And what is a mother with a son devoted to sand and dirt to do? Answer: improvise. In our backyard there are three garden boxes. We have planted in two of them and left the third empty due to the poor yield of that box last year. Today I cleaned up that bed, turned over the dirt, sprinkled so water on it and placed my son inside. He was overjoyed to have his very own dirt/mud box and he had so much fun (and did not try to pull up my cabbages) that I did not mind the mud cover toddler that resulted.

Domestication

2008-05-03T20:38:00.000-06:00

In the two years that I have been married, I have found myself becoming more and more domestic (having children increases it more). During my single years I was perfectly content to eat a quick meal, sometimes just toast and a can of green beans and pick up whatever looked good at the grocery store or just grab something to go. But that would not satisfy my husband. So now I plan weekly menus, make shopping lists, cook full dinners, clean the house almost every day, and make jam. Yes, I make my own jam. It started about a year ago when the apricot tree in our backyard exploded with fruit. My husband picked them and taught me how to make jam (he comes from a large family where making jam and canning food from the garden was an annual event). A few months later the plum tree came into production and my husband's aunt gave us three bushels of apples from her tree. With his help, we make plum jam, apple sauce, apple butter, and plum apple butter. Then yesterday I, on my own, made strawberry jam and I am contemplating make raspberry as well. I really don't like jam all that much. I rarely put it on toast or make PBJ sandwiches. But my husband can go through a jar of jam a week. It make economic sense to make my own. I just never thought that I would. But I have to admit that homemade jam tastes a whole lot better than store bought.

Importance of housework

2008-04-30T15:55:00.000-06:00

I am usually very good about keeping my house clean, a task made much easier with my husband deployed. For some reason my housework doubles when he is home but I have to say I perfer more housework to him being gone. Now I do most of the housework after my son goes to bed. It usually takes less then an hour and I am very diligent, the toys are put away, the floor vacuum, dishes washed and put away, bathroom cleaned, clothes folded and put away, and the furniture dusted. I don't all those things every day except the dishes and the toys but rotate them through the week so that everything is done at least once a week. Everything but mopping the kitchen floor. I hate to mop. It does not take long but it is the thought of having to move everything off the floor, mop, let it dry, then return everything to the kitchen. If I am being good it gets mopped once a month. But then my son let me know the floor needs to be mopped once if not twice a week: he wants to eat off it.

Into the toy chest

2008-02-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

My son has been driving me nuts this morning. He has been whinny and clingy. I know he has a cold but I have been morning sick for the last 3 weeks and each day the nausea increases. Carrying around a heavy 10 month old (as cute as he is) has not made it any better. But then he does something incrediable cute like climb into his toy chest and play with the stuffed animals and other toys that surround him and start laughing.

My Forbidden Face

2007-09-11T11:38:00.000-06:00

I just finished My Forbidden Face--Growing up under the Taliban: a Young Woman’s Story. This story horrified me not only because it is true but also because the young woman is only two years younger than me. When the Taliban came to power in 1996 I was graduating from high school and starting college. At the same time that I was reveling in my ever expanding world and freedoms, this young woman was mourning as her world shrank to her family’s apartment and she lost all her freedom. The Taliban prohibited women from being educated, parents could not even educate their daughters at home; women could not work from working; they could not wear colorful clothing or white shoes; women could not show their faces in public and must be accompanied by male relative if they ever did go outside. Women were also forbidden from seeing a male doctor and with the prohibition on women working, this meant women were forbidden to receive medical care. Before the Taliban, over half the doctors in Kabul were women, including the narrator’s mother. The Taliban also mandated that all girls over the age of fourteen be married and if they discovered an unmarried girl she was forced to wed a Talib. For the next five years the narrator, her mother, and her sister became virtual prisoners in their own home afraid to even open the door in case it was the Taliban come to carry them off for not being married. The rare times the narrator did venture from her home she witnessed violent acts of the Taliban against the Afghani people. But locked in their home, the narrator, her mother and her sister tried to continue on. Her mother secretly saw women patients, and the narrator and her sister started a secret school to teach not only girls but boys so they could learn something more than what the Taliban distorted interpretation of the Koran.

Throughout the story the narrator comments that the Taliban’s agenda is the genocide of the Afghani people through the destruction of their traditions and the women. They seek to make the women nothing more than chattel whose only use is to bear the Taliban sons. She rightly remarks that have forgotten that all men are born of women. Many times the narrators also comments that the majority of the Taliban are not Afghani but Muslim extremist from other countries. What would it be like to come of age in such place? After reading this book I have new gratitude for being born in the United States and the freedoms that I enjoy not only as a woman but as a human being. I am grateful that I am can saw my face; that I can speak my mind, pursue education and learning, and even to choose whom I married.

After I finished reading My Forbidden Face I gave it to my husband to read. He asked me if it made me feel sick to read, I told him “Some parts, yes.” He nodded his head, “Yes, me too. How can people treat women that way?” My husband is the sensitive one in the family and I fell in love with him for his sweet and kind nature especially towards women. He is the son of a very strong woman and brother to six sisters. He respects women more than he respects his own life. He is also very forgiving but not towards those who mistreat women. This book disturbs him not only because of the treatment of women but because he wandered if in some ways he might be like Taliban. He also prefers women to dress modestly. I told him that is the difference: he prefers women to dress modestly he does not compel any woman, including me, to be modest in dress. Nor does he prefer modesty because a woman’s body is shameful or something to fear but because it is beautiful and should be respected. That, I think is the greatest difference.

Total Want of Talent

2007-08-10T09:13:00.001-06:00

I usually reread "Pride and Prejudice" every summer but this year I decided to reread "Sense and Sensibility" instead. While it is not as well written as P&P or Persuasion, it is an enjoyable book. As I read this book again, I keep noticing all the references Austen makes to talent. Lady Middleton and her husband, Sir John, are described as having a "total want of talent" and other characters are also characterized by their lack of talent. Austen implies that "want of talent" makes one insipid (this is especially true about Lady Middleton), and inferior to the two main characters Marianne and Elinor. But I wander what Austen means by talent? Are Marianne and Elinor talented because they enjoy music, paining, reading, and intellectual conversation? Is Lady Middleton insipid because she enjoys keeping a nice home and caring for her children? Or is it that Lady Middleton is only concern with keeping house and rearing children and idles away her free time instead of improving herself? With the exception of Edward Ferrars and Col. Brandon (who naturally as the worthy matches to the Misses Dashwood) all the other characters in the story show a total want of talent that is characterized by the lack of inner resources and their dependence upon society for entertainment and enjoyment.

But what it is talent? Oxford English Dictionary (I love that it gives the etymology of a word!) defines it as: 1. an inclination, propension, or disposition for anything; 2. a mental endowment; natural ability; 3. mental powers of superior order; 4. special natural ability or aptitude, an accomplishment.

I think I wander about talent because I have always been at a loss of what my talents (if I indeed have any) are. It has always seemed to me that talent is an external accomplishment, something that can be displayed, like playing an instrument, singing, painting, drawing, designing...in other creating something. I do not have any of those talents. I cook well but that is because I can follow a recipe. I enjoy reading but should I consider that a talent just because I can read or because I enjoy it. While I still search for what my talents are, I flatter myself that at least in Jane Austen's world I would not fall into the class of "total want of talent" since do not lack in inner resources and do not rely upon society for entertainment.

New definition of talent: inner resources that does not make one a the mercy of society for enjoyment and entertainment.

Almost Just a Housewife

2007-08-08T12:44:00.000-06:00

In about four weeks I will become 'just a housewife.' I am not sure how I feel about this change. I am going to miss my job especially since I finally have a job that I love and that actually uses my degrees. Yes, I am looking forward to staying home with my son and there are many other good reasons for staying home which is why my husband and I made that decision. But despite the good reasons, sometimes I feel like I am staying home to placate my husband because he does not like me working (that really had nothing to do with the ultimate decision but it feels that way at times). Since he is in law school, I have been the sole provider for our family, so quitting and relying on him to be able to go to school and work part-time has been hard for me to accept (granted his part-time job has better benefits than my full-time job and he makes almost as much).

I know that my people would quibble with my phrase, 'just a housewife.' I quibble with it, that is why I put in apostrophes but as I am on the verge of entering the ranks of housewives, that is what I feel I will become.

Don't get me wrong, I have great respect for housewives. My mother was a housewife and there was nothing 'just' about it. She was amazing in everything she did and work so much harder and longer than anyone I knew and she still found time to devote to her interests and developed her many talents. I have two close friends who are housewives and they are amazing and talented. Despite these good role models, I feel like I will be 'just a housewife' or 'just a stay-at-home mom.' I have tried to think of why I feel that way, why I who have so many interests (that are sadly neglected in the balancing act between work and family) should be 'just' a housewife. One reason is that in the grueling years I have devoted to school and work I have let a lot of my interests and talents slide into non-existence. The other reason is that I feel trapped. I don't understand this. I worked as a nanny through grad school and loved it! so why do I feel trapped now that I will be staying home to care for my own child? I have analysed further:

we only have one car and twice a week my husband will take it to go to work 30 miles away.
we haven't found any babysitters besides my two sisters-in-law who live nearby but they have work, school and lives of their own.
my husband is very reluctant to leave our son with someone who is not family (he is even reluctant to leave him with family including our two mothers who between them have raised 16 children, I think they know what they are doing!!!)

So I am going to chronicle what my life is like as I learn to be more than just a housewife and to enjoy it. Especially after January when I temporarily become an only parent while my husband is deployed with his National Guard unit.